The excessive farts, cravings for Oreo Pie, and hormonal breakouts are officially in full swing. That can only mean one thing: I am menstruating.
You know, menstruation is amazing. Truly it is. I've blogged about it before and we all know I love moon blood and all that good shit.
HOWEVER, the symptoms that come along with it? Not so much amazing. They never told me this when I was taking sex education. From my understanding, I would have some bleeding and possibly some minor cramping (but that's just for the really unlucky girls) and I would be done within five days or less.
They didn't mention the possibility of: almost-debilitating cramps, constantly staining pants/underwear (yep, those are mine up there) the diarrhea and/or constipation, the gas, the constant urge to pee, the nausea, the headaches, the bloating... Or the fact that I'm lucky if my period doesn't run for eight complete days, with several days of spotting to follow.
Why didn't they tell me? Why wasn't this explained? CAN A BITCH GET A PAMPHLET?
So, today, I've taken several Midol doses and some anti-emetic medication. I'm bloated. My fingers are swollen. I drip blood on my bathroom floor when walking from the sink to the shower. I have to choose my sneezes and coughs carefully, depending on the type of menstrual protection I'm using. My boobs were absolutely aching until I actually started bleeding. Every place I go is entirely too hot for my comfort.
I guess I'm just not feeling it this month. I don't feel like masturbating. I feel like my period is being more of a FUCKING BITCH than a beautiful blessing from Mother Nature.