Wednesday, January 19, 2011

They LIED!

The excessive farts, cravings for Oreo Pie, and hormonal breakouts are officially in full swing. That can only mean one thing: I am menstruating.

You know, menstruation is amazing. Truly it is. I've blogged about it before and we all know I love moon blood and all that good shit.

HOWEVER, the symptoms that come along with it? Not so much amazing. They never told me this when I was taking sex education. From my understanding, I would have some bleeding and possibly some minor cramping (but that's just for the really unlucky girls) and I would be done within five days or less.


They didn't mention the possibility of: almost-debilitating cramps, constantly staining pants/underwear (yep, those are mine up there) the diarrhea and/or constipation, the gas, the constant urge to pee, the nausea, the headaches, the bloating... Or the fact that I'm lucky if my period doesn't run for eight complete days, with several days of spotting to follow.

Why didn't they tell me? Why wasn't this explained? CAN A BITCH GET A PAMPHLET?

So, today, I've taken several Midol doses and some anti-emetic medication. I'm bloated. My fingers are swollen. I drip blood on my bathroom floor when walking from the sink to the shower. I have to choose my sneezes and coughs carefully, depending on the type of menstrual protection I'm using. My boobs were absolutely aching until I actually started bleeding. Every place I go is entirely too hot for my comfort.

I guess I'm just not feeling it this month. I don't feel like masturbating. I feel like my period is being more of a FUCKING BITCH than a beautiful blessing from Mother Nature.


  1. I'm sorry about all that...

    My period was awful this past month as well, though not as bad as I'd expected because I'd gone nearly three months without bleeding. I felt sick the whole two weeks, and gassy, and angry, and I fucking cried the whole way through "Black Swan" because I think ballet is amazing and I'll never be delicate and graceful like those dancers, just large and accident-prone.

    The sneezing problem is one I've run into MANY times. Damn allergies. And the going to the bathroom every ten minutes.

    Also, Oreo Pie is fucking delicious. You should come down to FL and we'll totally make some of that shit. I'll blow my diet for some Oreo Pie.

  2. I'm sorry it makes you feel like that. I don't think I could deal.

    I guess I've been lucky in that department. I've never had cramps, hot flashes, or any of that. By the middle of day 2, my period is already over. I kind of feel gipped (sp?) in a weird way, like I'm missing out on something.

    Ovulation is another story, though. I could eat an entire Oreo pie while I'm ovulating.

  3. My Flame, my uterus must have heard my cry, because I have no symptoms today besides minor gas. No cramping, headaches, nausea or anything. Aw @ you crying because of "Black Swan" because you'll only full figured (fuck "large"... Unless you're so huge that you need a wheelchair... Then I don't know what to tell you, lol) and accident prone. You're precious.

    And FUCK YEAH, on the Oreo Pie. Except you come to my house instead.

    Genius, I could say you're "lucky" that your period only lasts for a couple of days, but I won't. I wouldn't necessarily trade my period, but I can still tell you that you're NOT missing out on anything, rofl.


  4. Well, I meant large as in 5'11" and big-framed. I could lose 50 pounds overnight and I'd still be big.

    "Black Swan" was also AWESOME. Scariest movie I've ever seen, very intense. I loved it.

  5. My 'monthlies' totally suck. Last night I had major cramps so I took extra Ibp...bad idea. I ended up still feeling crampy and extremely nauseaus. I threw up 3x in 2hrs & I was sick and up all night.