Friday, June 24, 2011

My Mommy Issues Part 2

Some women call their men "Daddy." Not just during sex, but in regular conversation and as a term of endearment. I could never envision calling my male partner anything other than his actual name, with the occasional "baby" or "darling" thrown in.

Some people think women who have "daddy issues" call their men by that name, because they're clinging to the nearest authoritative male figure. Others think it's simply just synonymous with "sweetheart" or "honey." Whatever the reason, I can sort of understand why women choose that name in particular for the top male in their life.

I can *totally* envision calling my mature female partner "Mom" or "Mommy." If not that, then I would feel more comfortable putting a "Ms." in front of their name, just to make it that much more evident that we aren't equal. I know that if I were to ever get into a relationship with a mature women, I would be expecting an intense mother-daughter relationship with a healthy amount of partially submissive sex. That is so perverted and could really end up being pretty destructive if boundaries aren't established and things don't remain balanced. I don't even know what those boundaries should be.

I was on the phone with someone a few weeks ago, and we were talking about childhood memories. I was telling her that my favorite memory I have of fourth grade was when my class would walk down the hall in a line and I would reach up and hold my teacher's hand until we got to our destination. My mom never let me hold her hand when I would ask, and when she did, it was only so I didn't run my ass out into traffic. I think that's so sad. Embarrassing fact: To this day, I love holding hands with people. It doesn't matter who (as long as it's not my mom). A few months ago, I was holding hands with my friend in Wal Mart, just because. When I worked with kids, I would hold their hands all the time. That was probably my most favorite part of my job (and trust me, there weren't very many things I liked about it). Hand-holding sounds so simple, but it's so comforting to me.

You'll hear me say that I don't "need anyone," and that's true. I don't. I don't need anyone to feel important or validated or complete. As an only child, I've had to make it worth with just me. I can make it just fine on my own, but truly? Deep down, I am so completely emotionally needy, it's crazy and probably bordering on unhealthy. I need to hear "I love you," but I want whoever is saying it to mean it. I never expect to hear it back when I say it to someone. I need physical contact. Not sex, but hugs and touching. I never got that from my mom. She asked for a hug on Mother's Day when I gave her a card and I hesitated before leaning for the (incredibly awkward) embrace. I truly felt bad about that... for a few hours.

Therapy has made me so much more aware of my maternal needs and how they've translated into the type of relationship that I want. Something odd? I've been going since the beginning of April and I have yet to cry. Me. The biggest cry-baby EVER has yet to cry in an environment that screams for me to sob uncontrollably. Not because I don't want to. I've teared up (and my therapist has noticed), but I have such a need to maintain composure that I won't just let myself cry. I feel like this is a "breakdown to breakthrough" situation, but I'm too scared to "go there."

People always tell me that things will get better, or at least change, between me and my mom when I move out and I start living my life independently. Things will change inevitably, but I'm pretty sure those things won't be for the better. A while ago, she was telling me how she wanted us to get our nails done and go to lunch together, just so we could stay caught up on each other's lives once I moved out. That won't ever happen. I could write for days about the things that have happened between us that has made our relationship completely irreparable, and those things aren't even related to the "mistakes" she has made in raising me (because it's hard to blame someone for those). I truly don't like her as a person, so I'm not going to voluntarily subject myself to being around her. I'm not a masochist.

I have an upcoming appointment where I asked my therapist specifically to help me tap into those emotions I've been fighting. She sounded excited to hear that. I'm nervous, but oddly excited, to feel all the things I've been suppressing for years.

2 comments:

  1. Your hand-holding is my hugging. I want people to hug me. It makes me feel 20x better. Unless it's from my mother, then I cringe.

    I've heard the same spiel about things getting better once I move out. Highly doubtful.

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  2. I have imagined someone like you before, but never imagined it possible that you actually existed. Reality is stranger than fiction. But, never imagined the lesbo part. Nice post.

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