Wednesday, August 10, 2011

21 (partially embarrassing) Sexual Confessions

Nope, I'm not dead; still a suffering nursing student who has writer's block.

You may never think of me the same after you read this list, but I really think I have long surpassed the normal level of weirdness a person can safely be at without being committed.

1: My standards for sleeping with men are EXPONENTIALLY lower than my standards for sleeping with women. So low that they're almost nonexistent. Like, if you're not mentally challenged and you can put on a condom.... I think all systems are go.
2: I masturbate so often that my fingers are often prune-y from always being in contact with my pussy juice.
3: I will make out with pretty much anyone.
4: By default, I love you if you're a lesbian. Seriously.
5: I like pretty much all porn... There's some porn I like that I'm embarrassed to admit to (....I think women peeing in their pants is hot. Don't fucking judge me)
6: I want to have sex with a hermaphrodite. Yes, I realize that they rarely have completely developed genitalia. I want one with a big dick and a vagina and also has a striking resemblance to Glenn Close.
7: "Ren and Stimpy" used to make me so horny when I was a preteen. No, I don't know why. And no, I don't find them erotic anymore.
8: When I rub my nipples, I get thirsty.
9: Intelligent women turn me on. Female doctors are like my real life porn.
10: I don't find six-packs/muscles sexy, especially on men.
11: Sitting on exercise bikes makes me horny.
12: I have only ever made out with girls. My tongue has yet to enter a male's mouth. I'm okay with that.
13: I used to love bestiality porn. Yeah, I said it. Damn.
14: I sometimes fantasized about blowing Mr. Rogers. "Yes. Just like that, Neighbor."
15: I love porn where men masturbate in women's underwear and ejaculate in them. Delish.
16: I have an unnatural fascination with deep-throating things. It never fails that, when I'm eating a Popsicle or a sucker, I stick it down my throat a few times.
17: I love to nibble gently/play with people's ears... I don't know why, but I think ears are cute and somehow totally erotic.
18: I can get with most sexual acts, but I think rimming is the weirdest thing ever and I can't imagine ever flicking my tongue over someone's asshole. Rimming. Not even once.
19: Letting my vibrator rest right on my outer vulva lulls me to sleep unlike any sleeping pill can.
20: I like women who sport camel toes. Potential yeast infections be damned.
21: I almost hope to lose my virginity to a mature woman. Fuckin' hot.


  1. Oh, VMB, you're not that weird at all... Some of those could describe me, too:

    #5- I like most porn, too. I don't watch it often and I find the ridiculous barnyard noises some of the "actresses" make grating after a while, though.
    #6- That's one of my favorite fantasies. Seriously. Not the Glenn Close part, but everything else.
    #10- I think big muscles are fucking gross. A little definition? Great. But those 'roided-out dudes make me gag. And not in a sexy way.
    #18- One of my roommates bragged about doing that with her boyfriend. It was so gross. I did NOT need to know her boyfriend's balls smelled like cheese. I hope she at least made him clean up really good first.

    It's good to see you writing again. Now that I'm in esthetics school and having to concentrate on a lot more I can certainly understand what you're going through. I'm having to learn a lot of medical stuff and I just don't have a head for it. I wanted to do makeup and work in a day spa, I never wanted to get into lasers and shit...

  2. Haha, I think I'm pretty weird. If I weren't me and I read this blog, I would be like "Lol, bitch is two chocolate chips short of a cookie."

    It's amazing how much there is to learn about the body, isn't it? The thing that gets me about nursing (fundamentals, anyway) is that you are given a scenario. You are then given four choices to choose from. Three of those choices are 100% correct (and you'll probably perform them all if you're in the clinical setting), but you have to choose the BEST answer. I'm like "Wtf, who the FUCK cares? No matter what I choose, my patient will be fine." So.much.bullshit.

    There are only two areas of the hospital I'm willing to work in, but I have to learn everything about every area. Things that I may never even remember to use, haha. It's worth it, though. When will you be done with school?

  3. I'll be done in March or April.

    We're taking our Anatomy test next week, and I'm still blanking out on a lot of it... I've got the muscles and the bones down, but the nerves and the arteries are just. Not. Sticking. I've read it a thousand times.

    We've also started learning about the layers of the skin, and last week we were taught how to do extractions. Which, if you don't know, means that during facials, we get to pop zits and squeeze out blackheads. It's gross and fascinating at the same time.

    I also found out I was using the wrong stuff for my skin... All this time I was thinking I was combination and I'm normal to oily with some sensitivity. So I got new stuff and it's SO much better on my face.

    It's only been five weeks but I've learned so much already. Eight more months to go...

  4. They make you learn all the bones in the body? That's friggin' retarded. I had to in anatomy (along with the sutures in the skull) and I am pretty sure I got a D on that test, because I mean. Fuck that. When will you ever need to know all that? And if you learn it for the test, you're going to forget.

    Medical stuff is almost always interesting and gross at the same time, haha. I think that may be a small reason why I'm drawn to it.

    Yay for useful learning. When you graduate, I'm coming to you for a facial and you can find me when you're ready to pop out a baby. :D

  5. You can come to me before I graduate. I'll be working in the practice clinic in a month. I would wait a few months so I can get the hang of everything, but yeah. Not too much longer before 250 hours... I have 177.25 hours already.

    They're telling us we have to keep studying this shit. I guess it's important to know the muscles, because if you massage them wrong you could detach them (no, really) and you could paralyze someone's face with the Tri-Active machine.

  6. So, if you massage ALL muscles wrong, you can detach them? Or is it just certain muscles? I ask because, it seems to me that learning how muscles lay is more important (and easier to learn) than knowing the name of them. Also, wtf. I have never heard of detaching shit during a massage. People give amateur massages all the time, haha. If you did detach one, would you even know?

    Your practice clinic sounds like our lab/clinical hours. Last semester, since I started in summer and things were so condensed, I only needed to complete six lab hours plus two days of clinicals. This semester, we have nine (nine hour) days of clinicals on the hospital floor. I think I'm going to have diarrhea just thinking about it.

  7. Yeah, if you can get at both the origin and the insertion of a muscle, you can detach it. And you would know, because the recipient of your massage would be screaming in pain. It pretty much only happens if you're really digging in, so it's mostly something you see with arm and back massages. Not that common but you have to be careful.

    It's like my old school, except they don't just pick on certain students, they makes sure *everyone* is working. I don't mind them riding my ass if they ride everyone else's, you know? There isn't a lot of playing favorites here at ESI.