The Virgin MonoBlog

My Feelings after Orgasm

2012-01-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

So... I think I'm about to become one of those whiny bloggers who beg for money, but label the incoming funds as "donations." My laptop is dead and gone. I'm mulling it over, but I likely won't ever do it. I hate feeling obligated to give something to someone just because they're CHOOSING to provide me with something (whether it be entertainment, food, sex, or otherwise).

So, anyway, have you ever thought about how you feel after an orgasm? Not after the yummy contractions die down and your heart rate has returned to normal, but IMMEDIATELY after you hit that pinnacle pleasure?

As long as I can remember, my feelings before orgasm are always immediately intensified right after I have one and then they go away as quickly as they came. If I've ovulating, I feel like telling someone "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" hugging them closely to my body and cuddling and all that good shit. Sometimes, I'll whisper the name of the person I was fantasizing about (and I think we all know whose name comes up fairly often). I feel so fucking passionate and sexual, I just want to verbalize it. Those are usually the best, wettest, and most intense orgasms. I almost always use penetration and leave whatever I'm using (fingers, dildo, or vibrator) resting in my vagina. I just love feeling filled and satisfied.

If I'm nearing my period or very upset, I may feel a little sad. I won't go the extra mile of touching myself until the contractions stop. I usually quickly occupy myself after those orgasms, because too much time with my mind being idle exacerbates that feeling.

If I'm very excited or anxious, I actually feel the opposite. Immediately after my orgasm, I feel about three seconds of total calmness, relaxation and serenity. It's like my mind and body just did yoga or meditated, but the effects don't last very long. The anxiousness or excitement typically builds right back up, but I love those few minutes of quiet bliss. I had a lot of those orgasms during stressful times with school. It was like manual and sexual Ativan.

I don't even know why I bother masturbating when I feel irritable or just generally pissed off. I've yet to encounter a "bad" orgasm, but these are pretty lackluster and add just one more thing to the list of things that I'm currently pissed about. I don't feel an emotional release, and the physical one isn't anything to write home about. I typically busy myself with journaling or making whiny Facebook statuses instead.

My average everyday orgasms yield average everyday feelings. Typically, I don't feel anything staggering or breath-taking. I just have an orgasm, roll over, and continue about my business. Here lately, that has involved just going to sleep. I feel relaxed enough, but it's something I could achieve without touching myself if I were to just lay still and relaxed in bed for an hour.

I wonder how these orgasms will be when I finally share one with a partner.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T15:59:00.003-05:00

I wish everyone a very merry Christmas with lots of tinsel covered sex and spiked eggnog.

Also, if you have any ideas about what you'd like to read about, throw it out there. I'm at the stage where I almost want to write, but I have nothing to say.

Respectful Sexting and Why Teens Should Do It

2011-12-07T15:47:00.005-05:00

Should I even bother telling you that school/writer's block is the reason why I've been gone? No? You already know? Good. Also, my laptop is going to ABSOLUTE SHIT. This piece of shit is missing four keys and a few of them are super glued so they'll stay attached. Writing papers/doing study guides is a fucking NIGHTMARE, so you can only imagine how horrible blogging is.

Anyway....

Carlin wrote an entry about sexting. It got me thinking about how awesome it used to be back when I was a teenager.

I had a brief stint of sexual normalcy with I was around 16 or 17. I played with new penises from the boys in some of my classes and sent a vast amount of sexy texts and pictures. Confession: I sent one guy a video of myself masturbating. :X I can't believe I did that. I don't regret it... I just can't believe I was ballsy enough to do it then, but I probably wouldn't do that shit now. This was back when, if you sent pictures, you got them immediately in return. He said he wouldn't show anyone. I'm sure he did, but it never got back to me.

Reality: Logically, no one can fully be trusted. Everyone has the potential to betray you or just generally fuck you over. If you're sending any kind of sexy paraphernalia, you truly do need to be prepared for someone to send the pictures to someone else or release them on the internet. That's just how it is. If you don't give a fuck either way, then there isn't an issue. Also know that not every person who is sending you a picture of his dick is actually going to be one. You can actually have fun when both parties have a mutual respect and understanding that "this is just between us."

Anyway, I am a strong a proponent of sexting. Truly! I love sexual alternatives, especially for teens who are sometimes frivolously fertile. Phone sex, hand jobs, mutual masturbation... All good in my book. There are so many levels to sexting in my opinion. There's the sweet "You looked so sexy today," to the dirty "I want to fuck you until you're raw and screaming." ::clit tingle:: It covers all the bases.

Sexting was my go-to because I got to decide how far things went without that face-to-face pressure. Sure, my partner would ask for a specific picture/video or for me to talk about something in particular, but I still had to chance to formulate my response to sound the exact way that I wanted before I hit "send".

Sexting was the sexual me I wasn't necessarily always ready to show someone face-to-face. It brought out something almost primal; I didn't have to worry about nervously giggling or sounding stupid when I said "You're making me so wet." Things just sound (or read) how they should when you're deep into a good sexting session. It allowed me to internally evolve sexually without the awkward fumblings of in-person interaction.

My partners never took it too far. They never crossed any lines. Maybe I was naive, but things were just different back then. We had an unspoken and general understanding. No malice was ever committed. We were just horny curious teenagers who wanted to get our rocks off with no big expectations of actual sex having to happen.

Oh, to be young again.

Twitter

2011-11-22T02:53:00.002-05:00

Hey! I'm not dead. I'll be back in about a week, but in the meantime, make me feel a little special and follow me on Twitter? I have one follower and I feel alone and pathetic.

Sexual and Sensual

2011-10-22T17:02:00.007-04:00

I try to blog immediately after an orgasm. This only works maybe a fourth of the time, but I make an honest effort to start writing when the orgasmic afterglow is still radiating.

I masturbated naked today. That's something I rarely do. I took a shower and went from my bathroom to my room, sprawled out on my bed, and went to town. I always forget how good it feels to feel skin on skin, especially when it's still a little damp.

So, while I'm feeling all glow-y, inspired, and freshly cleaned, I thought I'd write about Carlin and Liandra's fisting video.

Let me say that fisting isn't up on my list of things to watch when it comes to choosing porn (C & L's fisting video isn't porn, for the record). I don't dislike it... It's just not one of my ultimate turn ons. One reason I'm not super keen on it is because porn makes it violent. It's often only shown for shock value or fetishists. It's rarely ever a part of the sexual experience and enjoyable to watch. I don't like porn that looks completely unnatural.

Anyway, Carlin and Liandra knocked my fucking socks off. Well, I guess I should be saying "panties" in this situation. Before any sexiness went down, they were just casually chatting. I loved that. It made me feel like I was in the room as opposed to just watching. The chemistry was great. The kissing was fantastic. Though I couldn't see their lips meeting, hearing that sexy, wet smooching was delicious.

I talk to myself a lot. Mostly when I focus intently on something, like reading or studying... I just mumble to myself. It's not as crazy as it sounds... Well, maybe it is, but nonetheless, while watching, I said things like "Well, that's hot..." and "Ohhh, yes" and even a few passionate "Oh my God..." Whenever something sexual elicits a verbal response from me (that isn't laughter because it's so ridiculous), that means it's good. I loved the moaning, the sexy pelvic thrusting, and the touching.

One thing I also loved was the lighting. Holy shit, it couldn't have been more perfect. Dim sunlight (it looked like it was settling into sunset) pouring through the window, right onto their bodies made it so sensual. I think that's why I liked it so much. It was hot and steamy and all that good stuff, but it was also sensual. It made me crave more. It turned me on slowly and drew me in.

The videos are like food for my sexuality. Instead of my mouth watering, my pussy got all moist and aroused. Two women assisting each other in having orgasms is just... Yummy. Utterly and completely delectable.

"You Have Really Heavy Breasts!"

2011-10-18T16:03:00.004-04:00

So, my gynecologist appointment was today. I left school (and went back after; talk about dedication) and drove over. I didn't have to wait nearly as long as I did, which is good, because I was on the verge of having a case of nervous diarrhea.

Have I mentioned how much I love my gynecologist? Because I love her. I feel so comfortable and respected when I talk to her. She takes a genuine interest in listening and doesn't rush me. When she started the breast exam, she was casually talking to me about school. It really helped to lower my anxiety level. I also appreciated the fact that she was so gentle and her hands were warm. When I do assessments on my patients, I try to take care to have warm hands and a warm stethoscope. No one likes to be examined, so it helps to provide that little bit of comfort. We talked about how we would never want to trade places with men and how amazing women are and all the good feminist-y shit. She is so awesome.

There were no abnormal findings and she told me to start taking Evening Primrose Oil (which I've been taking for about a month, so I basically felt like a genius for beating her to the punch) to combat the breast pain. She said that, when you're "heavy chested," you're definitely more prone to having breast pain. At the end of the exam, she said "Yeah, you have really heavy breasts! You're very well endowed! You can't get a sports bra from Target. You're going to have to dig deep in your pockets." She said I should start sleeping in a sports bra, so we'll see how that goes.

Now, I don't know what the FUCK my cervix problem is, but she always has to dig for that bitch. There's really no gentle way to find a cervix. I feel like she's scooping out my insides when she goes a-searching. It was toe-curling discomfort, but I survived. I still feel all squishy and slippery down there. It feels so foreign, because I know that isn't my cervical fluid swimming around down there.

When asked if I was sexually active, I responded with "The only thing I'm spending intimate time with is my textbook." She laughed and started talking about how my vagina still works, even if it's been a while (she doesn't know that I've never banged... vaginally). Made me giggle, but I didn't think it was super appropriate to laugh while her fingers were inside me. Then she started talking about me settling down with a man and how sharing romantic love is amazing... That crazy bitch totally lost me then. Fuck that. She's more my type than any man I've come across, but that's not saying a whole lot and I couldn't tell her that, anyway.

So, yeah. It went well and I'm glad it's over. The office sends me a paper with my PAP results, so that should be here in a few weeks. I feel better knowing I got the goods checked out.

Choosing to be Child-free

2011-10-17T00:34:00.000-04:00

I Google weird shit all the time. Really, I do. I get curious about things that are probably inappropriate to ask my peers (or anyone, for that matter), so I run to my trusty search engine to find answers.

Today, while I should be knee-deep in study materials, I Googled "I regret having children," just so I could see if my ideas of parenthood are as absurd as people lead me to believe. They aren't.

Here's some honesty from me: I can think of a million reasons to NOT have kids... And maybe three (literally, THREE) reasons to actually have them. Reason 1: tax deductions. Reason 2: cultivating an amazing human being who contributes positively to society (and that's not even guaranteed to happen, no matter how well I raise them). Reason 3: I genuinely want to experience pregnancy/childbirth. That's it.

I spent some time with a friend and her baby this past week. Surprisingly enough, my "Baby Fever Meter" is almost in the negative. While having a baby is extremely appealing sometimes, having a toddler/kid/preteen/teenager is not.

I've heard the struggles of women with tantrum-throwing-three year olds and out of control teenagers. I've seen a woman in tattered sweats, a t shirt barely hiding the start of another baby bump, and a messy ponytail with two or three wild kids in tow while looking absolutely exhausted. I've read mommy blogs written by women who talk about all the cleaning, cooking, and coddling that goes into their everyday lives. WHY would anyone voluntarily do that?

I understand just about every experience in life has its positives and negatives. I know that there are some parts of being a parent that I probably wouldn't trade for the world. I know that there are amazing things in life that can only be experienced by a mom. Somehow, though, getting a handmade card on Mother's Day doesn't sound like enough of a consolation. Parenting sounds like an utterly thankless job. I know I shouldn't enter it wondering what I can get out of it. It's not about that. I just don't see the positives outweighing the negatives.

I've always believed that people have children too frivolously. Children shouldn't be accidents, especially for people in my age group. Making a person- who will need an amazing amount of patience, care, time and money- should NOT happen by chance. That's a big responsibility to take on.

This is a snippet from an entry I read on "Childfreedom". It's from a woman chronicling how hard her day is with her children: "And to EVERYONE that says you should have thought about it, you’ll think twice next time…bite me. i am so sick and tired of people sitting on their high horses looking [d]own on those of us who are geniunely stressed and near the verge of a mental breakdown."

I have a big problem with people who create problems for themselves and then expect sympathy. I am not doubting the massive difficulties with having children (especially if you're the type to equate your own bad parenting with having a hard time raising kids) and we ALL have a right to complain and bitch and moan incessantly about the conscious life choices we've made (actually, we don't, but we do it anyway), but I WON'T feel sorry for you or commend you for handling a responsibility you chose to take on.

People handle motherhood differently. Some women say they were created to be mothers and their lives weren't complete until they had children. I... don't think I'm one of those women. I'm actively choosing to be child-free. I want to do so many things before I end up being tied down with a child. It almost scares me to think about the massive amount of responsibility that children require.

I am at the point where I'm torn about having children. I think my mom is one of those women who should have never had kids or gotten married. I know that, if she could go back, she wouldn't do things the same way. I can't even say that I blame her.

I wonder why having children is the norm. It's unappealing, and a lot of women say it's not so awesome after they follow through with it. I guess they thought it would be different with their own? I just know I would be trying to maintain a childless lifestyle when it would be nearly impossible, so I definitely don't need to have children any time in the near future.

I don't enjoy spending time with children. I think they're loud, whiny, and extremely irritating. I wasn't like that as a child, but that's because my mom wouldn't put up with it. I'm ill-equipped for parenting, and I would be starting from scratch with my techniques. I don't want my child ending up like me. Maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive.

Thank God all of these thoughts are happening now. This would suck if I were actually knocked up.

My First Upcoming Breast Exam

2011-10-05T03:00:00.000-04:00

Not dead, writer's block, nursing school ruining my life, blah blah blah. All that good shit.

I'm worried about my boobs. So worried that I made an appointment to have The Amazing Dr. G give me my first exam and get my yearly PAP later this month. The last time I went, I was freshly 19, so I suppose it's time for her fingers to enter me anyway. I didn't want to go under these circumstances, though.

I often have breast pain the week before my period, and it normally stops as soon as the bleeding starts, but it's getting worse and worse as the months go on. For at least two or three months, I've had sore boobs for at least two weeks out of the month. Google is the worst ever... It's like a hypochondriac's worst nightmare. Results vary from "Oh, it's totally normal, especially if it's around the nipple," to "lolz YOU GOT CANCER!" I figure it's best to leave it to an actual medical doctor.

So, this brings me to the actual breast exam... I am fucking nervous. I was telling my friend about it and I said "I've never had my boobs felt up!.... By a woman... Over 30... In a doctor's office... Yeah." I mean, sure. Most people I know (men and women alike) have copped a feel on these healthy milk sacs, but fuck. I've never had them examined by a doctor. On a table. Titty totally out for the touching.

I don't even give myself self-breast exams because I don't know what normal feels like. Typing that and reading it upset me more than I thought it would. I have extremely fibrous breasts. They don't feel familiar to me when I touch them. I wouldn't ever notice a deviation from the norm. It almost makes me sad, because I feel so disconnected from them. It's not body hate... It's more like breasticular ignorance, which isn't much better. I'm going to try to make that better, though.

On the plus side, I'm an idiot and I scheduled my appointment during class, so I get to leave early. I figured I'd treat myself to a severely over-priced coffee drink from Starbucks afterward. Might as well make a fucking day out of it. I'm doing my best not to worry, because my plate is full enough and it's likely nothing but some super-surging estrogen, because I have no other accompanying symptoms. Still, bad thoughts are lingering in the back of my mind.

Positive thoughts.

Really, Kotex? (part 2)

2011-08-24T12:42:00.004-04:00

Y'all... I have a confession. Please don't disown me. I deserve to be spanked (in the bad way) and to be punished, because I have done something so horrible, but I didn't have any other choice.

I... I... I BOUGHT A BOX OF "U BY KOTEX" TAMPONS.

I know, I know. I'm sobbing because I am so ashamed. Not really, but I am not proud of myself by any means.

For anyone lost as to why this is even a problem, read this. I rant about how awful the marketing is for this product and shit on their idea of cute packaging. No regrets, either.

I bought them for several reasons. The biggest one being that I'm going to be in clinical three times a week. I love my vagina and I love other people, but unless you're well and we're having sex... I don't want those two things to come together. If I wear my Divacup, I'll have to stick my fingers inside of myself multiple times a day after being in contact (I don't give a fuck if it's gloved) with multiple unwell bodies. No thank you.

So, I'm standing in the aisle of Wal Mart, looking at all the boxes of pinks, purples, and blues. I try to avoid eye contact of the woman next to me, because I mean... I'm already ashamed for even purchasing disposable menstrual protection (let alone a brand about which I had nothing but negative things to say), but who wants to have a conversation with a stranger while in the feminine hygiene aisle? I've always notice that women don't really talk. Maybe they're like me and they start scanning items from afar so they can knock the box into their cart while still walking.

I scope out the scene. I know I can't wear Tampax, because when they expand, they're too long. I can't wear Tampax Pearl because that stupid ass braided string thing irritates the fuck out of me. I can't wear Playtex because the packaging seems unreliable. I had several tampons come open while in my purse when I was in high school. I have to keep tampons in my scrub pockets and I need durable packaging because I dig in those fuckers for pens, my notepad, penlights, calculators and other various sundries multiple times a day. I can't wear pads because fuck that.

So... Kotex was right in front of me. They're small and... DAMMIT, THE PACKAGING IS CUTE. ::sobs:: They look like little fucking candies. Half of the tampons are pink and the other half are purple. Like little delicious ass taffies. The box is a lie. I couldn't resist. I shelled out seven whole dollars for a box of thirty six, but I hid the black box of shame under my body wash, apricot scrub, and mouthwash, making a mini fortress of menstrual solitude. I wasn't ready to face them.

I'm not on my period, so I haven't tried them yet. I'm mildly excited to try them. Maybe they're awesome and it makes up for the shitty marketing (which clearly fucking worked, considering I have a box in my bathroom right now).

Dammit all.

Having Sex vs. Being Sexual

2011-08-14T02:41:00.005-04:00

I have several.... tens of blog entries that I've started but I haven't finished for several reasons. I either get stuck, lose interest in the subject, or realize that I've already talked about something too much akin to the topic that it would almost be a rearranged re-post. The following post is a mash-up of about four entries that I've started and never finished. It was pretty irrelevant for me to tell you that...

Taylor Momsen rocks my fucking socks. I didn't know kids these days had such fantastic ideals (says the moderately sexually liberated freshly twenty one year old masturbator). One of my good friends linked me to this quote by her:

“I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around—learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful—particularly for girls and young girls.”

Right on, you raccoon-eyed stoner. I respect her so much for saying that.

It got me thinking about how being sexual DOES NOT always parallel with having sex. I was talking to my friend some weeks ago and she said that one of her friends (not a mutual one) was looking at my blog and saying "Wait, so she's blogging about sex.... but not having any?" It was a harmless remark (I assume), but it still irritated me a bit.

Why is my opinion about sex less than that of a person who is partner-sexually active? This is the age old issue that still irritates the shit out of me. I know my body extremely well. I know what gets me there and what doesn't work. I have amazingly obtained that knowledge from ::gasp:: masturbation (with the help of some ass-smacking and minor crotch fondling in high school).

I saw this card on Post Secret some weeks ago. Underneath that picture, an email response was "I bought my 14 year-old a vibrator (at her request after I offered) because I never want her to feel shame about a normal, human desire. But, I can't tell anyone because of the way they would judge me as a mother."

Is masturbation like weed? A gateway drug? Will masturbating fairly regularly with sex toys make you promiscuous? Is that one of society's myths? Well, I think it's fair to say that I've been testing this theory and I have only had a ONE penis in ONE orifice of my body, and it actually wasn't my vagina. BOOM: myth busted. You're welcome. The research is still ongoing.

It irritates me that parents are seemingly at one extreme or another: they're either giving their children NO options when it comes to sex and telling them that abstinence is best OR they're buying birth control for girls that are barely past their first period. Where is the happy medium?

Pretty sure it's teaching sex positivity. Masturbation is fantastic. I wasn't taught that, but I'm a fucking genius and I can figure shit out on my own (not really; I was just a very curious and horny twelve year old).

I wish I could give that mom two hugs (and a third one if she's hot). One hug for promoting self-sexuality with her daughter and another to let her know that there's NOTHING to be ashamed of. I mean, I'm not asking her and her daughter to pose in a picture holding the vibrator like a trophy (even though that would be mildly awesome), but she should definitely feel proud of herself.

We should be our own first sexual partner. We should be sexual before we start having sex. Let's go into this thing with some experience.

21 (partially embarrassing) Sexual Confessions

2011-08-10T02:35:00.000-04:00

Nope, I'm not dead; still a suffering nursing student who has writer's block.

You may never think of me the same after you read this list, but I really think I have long surpassed the normal level of weirdness a person can safely be at without being committed.

1: My standards for sleeping with men are EXPONENTIALLY lower than my standards for sleeping with women. So low that they're almost nonexistent. Like, if you're not mentally challenged and you can put on a condom.... I think all systems are go.
2: I masturbate so often that my fingers are often prune-y from always being in contact with my pussy juice.
3: I will make out with pretty much anyone.
4: By default, I love you if you're a lesbian. Seriously.
5: I like pretty much all porn... There's some porn I like that I'm embarrassed to admit to (....I think women peeing in their pants is hot. Don't fucking judge me)
6: I want to have sex with a hermaphrodite. Yes, I realize that they rarely have completely developed genitalia. I want one with a big dick and a vagina and also has a striking resemblance to Glenn Close.
7: "Ren and Stimpy" used to make me so horny when I was a preteen. No, I don't know why. And no, I don't find them erotic anymore.
8: When I rub my nipples, I get thirsty.
9: Intelligent women turn me on. Female doctors are like my real life porn.
10: I don't find six-packs/muscles sexy, especially on men.
11: Sitting on exercise bikes makes me horny.
12: I have only ever made out with girls. My tongue has yet to enter a male's mouth. I'm okay with that.
13: I used to love bestiality porn. Yeah, I said it. Damn.
14: I sometimes fantasized about blowing Mr. Rogers. "Yes. Just like that, Neighbor."
15: I love porn where men masturbate in women's underwear and ejaculate in them. Delish.
16: I have an unnatural fascination with deep-throating things. It never fails that, when I'm eating a Popsicle or a sucker, I stick it down my throat a few times.
17: I love to nibble gently/play with people's ears... I don't know why, but I think ears are cute and somehow totally erotic.
18: I can get with most sexual acts, but I think rimming is the weirdest thing ever and I can't imagine ever flicking my tongue over someone's asshole. Rimming. Not even once.
19: Letting my vibrator rest right on my outer vulva lulls me to sleep unlike any sleeping pill can.
20: I like women who sport camel toes. Potential yeast infections be damned.
21: I almost hope to lose my virginity to a mature woman. Fuckin' hot.

What Turns Women on...

2011-07-08T12:02:00.003-04:00

Hey, so, yeah. School is ruining my life and I've yet to actually write a complete entry. I have about two more weeks, though (and there's SEVEN tests stuffed into those two weeks) and then I'm back at my keyboard.

I read this quote by Dr. Northrup. I LOVE that she said this:

"In the instance of erectile dysfunction, it’s very well established the mechanism by which the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis and Viagra work is to enhance the flow of nitric oxide to the penile blood vessel. A woman’s pleasure turns men on and increases their nitric oxide naturally so that they don’t have to use a drug to get the same effect. A turned on woman is what turns on a man, if he’s heterosexual. What turns on a woman is life force in all its forms. A woman will be turned on with increased blood flow to the vagina by watching gay males, women together, or a man and a woman together. Men are more selective. If he is gay, he’s generally not going to be turned on by a man and woman together or two women, he’s turned on by two men. A man is not as multi-modal. Women are more erotically aroused in a more global way. We have to think of it not just as sex, not just as “get him up and get him off” because a happy, healthy woman uplifts whatever she’s involved in."

My Mommy Issues Part 2

2011-06-24T15:29:00.008-04:00

Some women call their men "Daddy." Not just during sex, but in regular conversation and as a term of endearment. I could never envision calling my male partner anything other than his actual name, with the occasional "baby" or "darling" thrown in.

Some people think women who have "daddy issues" call their men by that name, because they're clinging to the nearest authoritative male figure. Others think it's simply just synonymous with "sweetheart" or "honey." Whatever the reason, I can sort of understand why women choose that name in particular for the top male in their life.

I can *totally* envision calling my mature female partner "Mom" or "Mommy." If not that, then I would feel more comfortable putting a "Ms." in front of their name, just to make it that much more evident that we aren't equal. I know that if I were to ever get into a relationship with a mature women, I would be expecting an intense mother-daughter relationship with a healthy amount of partially submissive sex. That is so perverted and could really end up being pretty destructive if boundaries aren't established and things don't remain balanced. I don't even know what those boundaries should be.

I was on the phone with someone a few weeks ago, and we were talking about childhood memories. I was telling her that my favorite memory I have of fourth grade was when my class would walk down the hall in a line and I would reach up and hold my teacher's hand until we got to our destination. My mom never let me hold her hand when I would ask, and when she did, it was only so I didn't run my ass out into traffic. I think that's so sad. Embarrassing fact: To this day, I love holding hands with people. It doesn't matter who (as long as it's not my mom). A few months ago, I was holding hands with my friend in Wal Mart, just because. When I worked with kids, I would hold their hands all the time. That was probably my most favorite part of my job (and trust me, there weren't very many things I liked about it). Hand-holding sounds so simple, but it's so comforting to me.

You'll hear me say that I don't "need anyone," and that's true. I don't. I don't need anyone to feel important or validated or complete. As an only child, I've had to make it worth with just me. I can make it just fine on my own, but truly? Deep down, I am so completely emotionally needy, it's crazy and probably bordering on unhealthy. I need to hear "I love you," but I want whoever is saying it to mean it. I never expect to hear it back when I say it to someone. I need physical contact. Not sex, but hugs and touching. I never got that from my mom. She asked for a hug on Mother's Day when I gave her a card and I hesitated before leaning for the (incredibly awkward) embrace. I truly felt bad about that... for a few hours.

Therapy has made me so much more aware of my maternal needs and how they've translated into the type of relationship that I want. Something odd? I've been going since the beginning of April and I have yet to cry. Me. The biggest cry-baby EVER has yet to cry in an environment that screams for me to sob uncontrollably. Not because I don't want to. I've teared up (and my therapist has noticed), but I have such a need to maintain composure that I won't just let myself cry. I feel like this is a "breakdown to breakthrough" situation, but I'm too scared to "go there."

People always tell me that things will get better, or at least change, between me and my mom when I move out and I start living my life independently. Things will change inevitably, but I'm pretty sure those things won't be for the better. A while ago, she was telling me how she wanted us to get our nails done and go to lunch together, just so we could stay caught up on each other's lives once I moved out. That won't ever happen. I could write for days about the things that have happened between us that has made our relationship completely irreparable, and those things aren't even related to the "mistakes" she has made in raising me (because it's hard to blame someone for those). I truly don't like her as a person, so I'm not going to voluntarily subject myself to being around her. I'm not a masochist.

I have an upcoming appointment where I asked my therapist specifically to help me tap into those emotions I've been fighting. She sounded excited to hear that. I'm nervous, but oddly excited, to feel all the things I've been suppressing for years.

Dildo Sport

2011-06-18T18:31:00.002-04:00

A Hero

2011-06-10T23:07:00.002-04:00

I wish I had found this to post with my "Ten Things..." entry. Fucking hilar.

Chat Box

2011-06-10T16:45:00.001-04:00

Hey, I got a chat box. Talk to me sometime.

It's over there. ::points to the right side of the screen, under my "About Me" section::

Ten Things I Would Do If....

2011-06-08T23:26:00.000-04:00

Ten things I would do if I had a penis:

Pee standing up. Not just pee, but get piss all over the fucking place just for the hell of it. I would pee on cars, houses, people, sandwiches, in the potato chip aisle of a grocery store, in the free clinic, on doorknobs... God, my surroundings would constantly smell like fucking urine and I would love it.
Masturbate everywhere. That's a given, though. I would beat off constantly. My balls would be shrunken prunes because of constant orgasm.
Yell "SUCK MY DICK!" more than I do now. See, I switch it up with "clit" at least half the time when I say it, but if I really had a penis, the proclamation would be so much sweeter. I would yell it at unsuspecting and innocent bystanders while grasping my junk with all the masculine intent in the world.
Dick-slap bitches. There are so many people I crave to dick-slap, for disciplinary and sexual reasons.
Um. Glory hole. That is all.
Bounce my balls on people's foreheads purely for entertainment. I would paint the bottom of my balls purple and ball-stamp all my friends. I would dominate those bitches with my scrotum.
Remember that scene in "Lion King" where Simba is born and that baboon wipes that juice (or whatever it was) on Simba's forehead? Yeah, everyone I know is Simba. I am the baboon. My semen is the juice.
Try titty-fucking just so I can understand the appeal. I know it has to be exponentially more fun for the fucker than the fuckee.
Fuck bitches and get money, since they ain't shit but hoes and tricks.
Expect to be the authority figure of my household, get paid more money for doing the same work as people who have vaginas, and be considered more emotionally "stable" and logical simply because I have a large piece of man-meat swinging between my fucking legs.

"You're Much Too Young to Be Faking Orgasms."

2011-06-06T22:00:00.004-04:00

I went to visit a friend. We had a short little chat and I was surprised to learn some things about her.

One was that she had acquired? another sexual partner. She, like me, had been waiting until marriage to start getting it in (it was a common pattern amongst our group, and no one has made it... I guess I'm the next best bet, but I blew a guy, so mine won't count). Now, we both have done 180s and she wasn't even in a relationship with the guy she had sex with. Whenever I am told anything like this, I ask two questions: "Did you use protection?" and "Did you have an orgasm?" Most of my friends are pretty logical when it comes to sex. We have ambitious educational goals and we know we don't want kids complicating things.

I was happy (though unsurprised) to learn that she used protection. I WAS surprised to learn that she faked an orgasm. I responded "You're much too young to be faking orgasms." I mean, right? That's something married women do so their husbands will think they got off and they can stop engaging in this horrible act of sexual relations.

In retrospect (damn all of my life lessons being retrospective), I realize that I'm... Fucking wrong? NO ONE, not matter what age, should feel compelled to be faking orgasms, but it especially bothered me that someone who is twenty one and orgasmic on her own faked one with a partner... that she isn't even REMOTELY committed to.

What compels a woman to fake an orgasm (besides simply wanting the sex to be over)? Is it an honest attempt at an ego boost for the guy? Like, she wants him to feel like he's catered to his duty of getting her off? If the guy is waiting for the girl to come, will the sex just go on forever (God, could you imagine?)? Can't sex just feel good without needing an orgasm (from either party) to cap things off? OH, is that it? Sex was a "success" if both people got off? That's what makes sex "satisfying?"

I don't know. I can't see myself ever faking an orgasm for several reasons... The main one being that I can't imagine not cracking up. It would be so unnatural for me. Isn't that the ONE thing that sex should be? Natural? Nevermind pleasurable, sensual, fun, and exciting. NATURAL. Just go with it and let it happen. If an orgasm is in the cards, great. If not, wasn't it still fun? Didn't it still feel good?

I'm thinking too hard about this, like I do with every-fucking-thing. I just can't wrap my head around it. What's so bad about not having an orgasm during sex (SOMETIMES)? It doesn't mean you're not into it or that you're frigid or that you lack the ability. "I just didn't come this time" sounds like a perfectly valid reason to me. No more, no less.

New Blog

2011-05-30T14:00:00.001-04:00

Hey, so I never really recommend blogs to read. Most of them (from my experience) are either uninteresting or updated so rarely that they aren't worth following (....unlike this one, right?....).

I've known MW since I was about ten or eleven. She's an extremely compassionate person and super sweet. Our time in high school was pretty tumultuous (mostly my fault), but our adult relationship is fantastic. I got drunk my first time with her, skinny dipped for the first time with her, and she introduced me to apricot scrub. Those three things alone make us connected for life.

She started a blog out of the need for emotional healing. "Words of a Drug Addict's Daughter" is the name (and link). It's very personal and honest, so go read without judgment and no preconceived notions. I think she's immensely brave to write about her uncensored emotions with such a personal experience. I've been urging her to go into therapy after observing the positive changes I'm experiencing through my own sessions, and she's making movements to get there.

Comment, too! People don't realize that there is so much comfort in sincere words. Though I don't give a fuck what you say on my blog, be gentle with your words when you respond to hers. Think about how you would want someone to talk to you if you had experienced what she has.

All is this is from me, not her. All I asked for was her permission to post an entry about her writing.

Female Wisdom and Thinking with My Heart

2011-05-29T13:15:00.007-04:00

The month of May has been a fucking whirlwind. I have never had so many positive things happen to me in such a short amount of time. I'm feeling all empowered and shit, so just stay with me here. All of this excited ranting has a point.

I have the BIGGEST intellectual crush on Dr. Christiane Northrup. She gives my brain such a hard-on. I don't think any other person has stimulated me (on the topic of women's health) like she has. Go buy "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by her. I started reading it at the beginning of this month and I am jaw-dropped at some of the things she has written. We've all read books by doctors. We've all read books about a women telling her personal experience on certain topics. I, however, have never read a book by a woman who is a doctor (an OB/GYN) and she includes personal information about herself. I always prefer books written in first person, and this one is. It is PACKED (the book is over 700 pages, not even including the other 200 of notes/the index) with so much vital information. It's valuable to women of ALL ages, because it goes deeper than "This is why cramps happen. You should take this." There are so many things that contribute to physical ailments that we don't even realize. It's about accepting that you're an emotional being and that it's a GREAT thing. She talks about "egg wisdom" and all of this amazing stuff that you (likely) didn't know existed right inside of you. God, you should see me when I talk about her to other people. I get all bouncy and excited (like I do when I talk about Betty Dodson). I love sharing knowledge with women. Speaking of, she has a Facebook page. "Like" her. She sometimes interacts with us in the comments and updates daily.

With all that said, by nature, I'm a pretty... heartless person (find out your personality type here. I'm an INTJ. Describes me PERFECTLY). When I do something wrong, I don't blame other people. I can think of a million reasons why I could have done it differently or better. I'm a big self-blamer. I'm the same way when it comes to the plight of women as a whole. I've always wondered why I'm so unsympathetic when it comes to my own sex, and I think I finally know why.

I expect more of us. I think so very highly of women. Truly, I do. I expect us to be able to make wise choices and balance all aspects of our lives with poise and complete self-assurance.

Well, fuck. *I* can't even do that shit, not all the time. I need emotional support. I make dumbass choices. I finally realized that I'm doing a massive disservice to myself and other women by writing them off as "stupid" for their choices, without caring to listen to the details or go deeper, because I'm the same way with myself. How bitchy. But, that's how I have always been. It's how my mom is. She takes EVERYTHING at face value and doesn't care to ever listen to the details of anything. Knowing we have that in common is enough of a reason for me to make a change.

I don't think of us as the superior sex (and DEFINITELY NOT the inferior sex, for that matter), but seriously? We're powerful. By "powerful," I'm not just talking about female doctors or lawyers; not just people who are out there changing the world before our eyes. I mean in general. We're powerful human beings. We have the ability to nurture EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, not just our own children. There's a reason we call it "Mother Earth" and "Mother Nature". We're fertility, wisdom, and nourishment: personified. That fucking blows my mind.

So, I said all that to say this: I'm actually learning to think with my heart. If you knew me in person, that would have just about knocked you over, because I'm a good listener, but rarely compassionate. I woke up yesterday, and the first thing that popped into my head, out of NOWHERE, was "I'm going to let my mind be my map, but let my heart be my tour guide." You know, sometimes you can be going on a trail and have a general idea of where you're going, but the tour guide always points out all of this amazing stuff you would have missed had you have been location-oriented. I can't NOT think logically. It's just something I do. But, I can have a healthy scoop of willful understanding and compassion during that process. Since making this choice a few weeks ago, I've been crying more. It seems like my hand is permanently stuck to my heart, because I always put my hand to my chest when I feel something deeply.

I felt empathy for the first time in my life last week. Me. Empathy. I didn't even know that shit was possible. I hurt *with* another person. Another woman in my life (MW, in fact), going through a rough time like I am, shared how she felt with me. I listened without judgment and I actually felt a new emotion, because I was open enough to allow it to happen.

The changes in my life seem to happen in stages. First, it was sexual. I didn't even realize it was something that was destined to change, but it was. Now, it's emotional. I always knew there had to be a reason why I'm so heartless and brutal, but I couldn't pinpoint it, and I need a damn good reason to change before I initiate it.

I have that reason. To be a better (and happier) person, I have to think with my heart. Something that's so natural, but I've been fighting it my entire life. It's like I'm losing my emotional virginity.

Oh, Yeah. It's My Birthday

2011-05-15T05:57:00.002-04:00

I finally hit the big 2-1. Who would have thought that I would be COMPLETELY burned out on drinking by 21? Damn my friends who actually thought about underage drinking, because I never did, lol. I was set to wait until 21. I made it to 19 before I got drunk.

No alcohol can be sold here on Sundays, and I don't want to deal with my dad's disapproving looks if I WERE to drink, so I shall have a sober 21. That's okay, because the only thing that worse than drinking alone is drinking with your parents.

So, yes. I plan to spend today like any other day, but it definitely feels like my birthday.

Happy birthday to me. :)

If I Have a Daughter...

2011-05-13T13:23:00.006-04:00

So, Dr. Christiane Northrup (Google her; I would love to model my career after hers and I intend to do that in my own way) posted this poem on her Facebook page. I thought it was beautiful and the woman who wrote it had so much passion and love for her unborn (yet to even be conceived) child.

So, it got me thinking about what things I want so intensely for my future daughter. I wrote about it in my "therapy journal". It started out as a letter, but I didn't like that format. It felt more natural to take the sentence "If I have a daughter..." and fill in from there. I cried, but it was deeply cleansing. I love my future daughter. I don't know if she's going to be a biological creation from me or from someone else, but I have so much love to give to her, I can't even start to articulate it. But I tried, lol.

"If I have a daughter, I'll be sure that hearty laughter is a daily ritual in our home.

I'll hug her for no reason. When she's in my arms and startled by my surprise embrace, she'll ask why. I'll close my eyes, with my face nestled in her beautiful hair and whisper "Because I love you."

I'll do my best to save her from heartache, but when I fail (because moms aren't perfect), I'll let her know that it's okay to cry. Never questioning the validity of her tears. I'll hold her and say nothing, because we both know that when she's in my arms, no words can equal that amazing amount of emotional safety and comfort.

I'll let her know that her beauty and worth can't and won't be seen or understood by everyone. Of course, she'll look at me and smile, because she already knows that her worth exceeds the most precious thing in the universe, and her inner AND outer beauty is both blinding and breath-taking.

I'll never teach her to be loving, compassionate, or caring, because I know that it's only through heart-felt experience that these things can be deeply understood and shared.

I'll be her solid rock of comfort, honest wisdom, and never-ending love. Our connection will be so real. So organic. We'll be able to feel it in our bones. Our hearts.

When we're not together, she won't feel incomplete. On the contrary, she'll feel ready to face challenges on her own with jaw-dropping confidence and poise. Still, at the end of the day, she may call just to hear my voice, because she knows my words are laced with every ounce of TLC that I can muster.

I won't protect her from everything, but I'll help to mend ANYTHING. When she feels alone and her heart is in shambles, she'll say that one word. The word that holds so much meaning. The word that lets her remember that she holds a spiritual, emotional, physical, and cosmic connection to another being that will last forever.

"Mom?" she'll say. And I'll always be the one to answer. Her foundation of tangible comfort and safety. I'll hold that name in such high esteem. I'll dissect it and memorize the way she says it and carry it with me.

I want her to know that mothering was never a job (though I won't knock the difficulty that we likely both have experienced), but a privilege that I feel so deeply blessed to have been given.

When I'm gone, she'll looks for "signs" of me in the night sky, or our favorite places, or just in her dreams. I want her to be able to whisper "Mom" and feel that overwhelming sense of love and comfort, even though I'm not physically there to answer."

It's always easy to say "I want my child(ren) to have it differently than I did." But I really do. I never want her to doubt the love I have for her, like I have with my mom. I want to cultivate an amazing individual who can think for herself, love herself, and share that with other people.

Fuck. I'm emotional.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T00:14:00.002-04:00

I currently hate that Mother's Day exists.

Masturbation Infatuation

2011-05-07T07:43:00.000-04:00

May is "Masturbation Month". I've said before that it's fortuitous (SAT word) that I was born in the middle of said month. I beat off all the time. It's now common knowledge.

In one of my therapy sessions, I mentioned the fact that I blog. My therapist was intrigued and, naturally, asked what I blog about. Well, fuck. What could I say? I wasn't going to lie and say "Oh, just everyday things." I also couldn't be brutally honest with "Oh, I talk about how I masturbate all the time and how I love mature women..." So, I pussed out and said "Have you ever heard of Betty Dodson?" and I went off on a tangent about D&R and how it covers topics for sex to masturbation to social issues, etc. I ended with saying "So, yes. I blog about all the sex I'm not having." She laughed. We left the topic. Crisis averted.

In retrospect, I hate the way I worded that. Even if I didn't want to disclose all the personal details to her (fuck, I had only seen her three times), I could have expressed myself better. I made it sound negative. "All the sex I'm not having." Why not "I blog about self-sexuality" or "I blog about my solo-sex life"? I guess I was trying to keep the questions to a minimum.

I hold myself in very high esteem when it comes to being self-sexual. I know myself. I know how to get down and dirty and crank out a raw and sexy orgasm. I can turn on my favorite porn and hold myself to a time limit before I finally let myself come. I can lay in soothing darkness and take things really slow and build to a great release. Masturbation can be just as varied, fun, and intimate as partner sex.

People should talk about masturbation more. Bottom line. I don't think I missed a massive conversational opportunity with my middle-aged therapist, but I definitely could have responded better. Everybody is doing it! Let's fucking *talk* about it.

I hadn't planned on making a goal for masturbation month, but I think I have one now. No, I'm not going to up the orgasm count; I think I have that covered. I'm going to be more... Outward? with my solo sexuality. I'm not going to water things down or avoid the topic. It's a part of me, so why not willingly share that with other people face-to-face like I do in my writing? Maybe I can't be so blunt and talk about my fantasies in excruciating detail, but I can certainly be honest. With everyone.

Masturbating during Menses

2011-04-26T07:39:00.002-04:00

I was horny yesterday. No, not horny... My pussy was fucking RAVENOUS. It's not often that I'm actually horny enough to end a phone call in order to get off before my parent gets home from work. My best friend is so great. I'm looking at the clock and saying "God, I want an orgasm so bad right now... I don't even have time to crank it out..." and she responds with "Not even ONE?" She was right. I ended the call and got down to business. Though I tend to be a marathon masturbator, I could settle for one. No need for me to be greedy. ;)

Dr. Jerilynn Prior (creator of CeMCOR) says that, if you notice stretchy cervical mucous in your menstrual flow, then your estrogen levels are abnormally high, when they should should normally be low. Interesting, because during my morning pee yesterday, after I removed my Divacup and wiped, I had bloody mucous hanging off of the toilet paper (you're welcome for that visual).

So, for the first time, right smack in the middle of my period, I masturbated with penetration other than my fingers. I started actively bleeding on Saturday, but this period has been smooth sailin'. Minimal cramping, no constipation, and only a moderate flow. I made note yesterday, after emptying my full cup for the third time, that I hadn't leaked at all and I wasn't cramming Ibuprofen down my throat. These are the periods I almost enjoy.

I've been almost sprightly; just so content, which is a nice change from my blue and gloomy mood of last week. That was most intense case of PMS I've had in SEVERAL months. I credit my therapy session last Monday for contributing to those emotions that spanned the entire week. I'll be sure to schedule appointments around my cycles.

When I got off the phone, it was ON, bitch. I went and removed my menstrual cup and went at it. It took no longer than ten minutes and I had a satisfying orgasm with a little gasping (it's always nice when the mature woman you're watching seems to have timed her orgasmic gasps with your own). Of course, I've had better, but it was just right for what I needed. The quiet slurping of my pussy sounded different... More sticky than it does when I'm not on my period.

This period has made me feel re-energized. More centered. I don't feel like being touched or connecting with anyone physically, but I feel like I can tolerate human interaction better than normal. I just feel happy. Like, that happy medium between tipsy and drunk, where you're not yet staggering and holding on to the grass in the front yard because you're scared you'll fall off the earth.

Fun fact: I think this is the first time I have ever seen a blood-streaked glass dildo in a picture. I feel like I should put my name on that shit. Bitches like to steal pictures, and that is MY menstrual blood on MY dildo.

Fingernails

2011-04-21T01:17:00.000-04:00

I've been kind of blue for the past several days (explains the massive deadness of this blog). No particular reason, really. Nothing new and majorly drastic has happened, but menses is due any day now. Maybe it's because my parents have taken a vacation from work and any sustained human interaction is almost painful for me.

So, I am a chronic nail biter. Yes, I realize it is an absolutely disgusting habit that should be broken, but we know how I like to have things in my mouth, dammit. Now, it's imperative that I keep them looking nice without polish. The only thing worse than nails bitten to the quick are unpolished nails that are bitten to the quick.

My nails grow extremely fast, but they're so fragile and are very prone to splitting. Right now, they're all nicely manicured and all uniform at the same length. I'm terrified of giving myself an infection, so I scrub under those fuckers before I touch anything near my crotch. I like the way they look, but there's a problem...

I'm fucking tired of scratching/poking my fucking pussy. I'm not used to having these things on my hands! I feel like a female Edward Scissorhands, except it's so much more pitiful, because they're not even that long and I know I'm slicing my pussy up like a damn Virginia ham.

I do this thing where, right when I have an orgasm, I stick my middle finger in my vaginal opening so I can feel the vaginal contractions (or, if I'm using my beloved glass dildo, I look down at it and watch it rhythmically rock and twitch when I come). I'm sure you can imagine displeasure when, right as I'm reaching that amazing pinnacle of sexual deliciousness, I fucking STAB myself. If the orgasm wasn't the boner killer, the pussy shanking certainly was. I feel like it's undue punishment to myself.

"Virgin... Cut them shorter and shut up." Yeah, I thought the same thing, but longer nails look so much more feminine to me. I want to learn to work with them. You know how you get something new, like... I dunno... Fuck, new shoes? Yeah, new shoes. And they're uncomfortable until you break them in? This is one of those situations.

I have to break my nails into my pussy.

Huh... Quite possible the worst word choice I could have selected.

Post Secret!

2011-04-10T02:56:00.002-04:00

My Buttons

2011-04-09T15:56:00.006-04:00

Summary: She hasn't been satisfied in the past and she's sweet-talking her clit to get it in the mood. She didn't get really fucked like she wanted, so she's going to take care of herself when the guy leaves. Love this song.

Therapy

2011-04-01T13:01:00.002-04:00

So... I hate when bloggers are all "Ah, something happened. I'm going to hint at it and not actually say what it was... But it was really bad and I don't wanna share right now, or maybe ever."

But, that's what I'm doing exactly. Something bad happened (no, I wasn't raped or anything, nothing remotely close to that or in the realm of issues) between me and my mom (shocker). So bad that I thought to myself... "Self, you know how you hate your mom? And it's sustained hate that's not going away? Mayhaps you should see a therapist."

So, I looked at my options and chose one. I was terrified to call and it took half an hour to get the nerve. I dialed her number and dammit, her line was busy. I waited another thirty minutes and I felt dizzy and sick while the phone rang. She didn't pick up. I had to force my finger away from the "End" button and I left a voicemail. I sound like a fucking idiot when I'm nervous. My voice shakes and I talk too loudly, but I did it.

She returned my call within the hour. She was nice enough, but it was all necessary formality. I was talking to myself on the way, saying "I can't do this. I don't have to go, though. I could just keep driving and go home. I don't have to do this. I can't do this."

I still went in. It's less than an hour after my appointment and I feel HIGH. She is amazing. An absolutely perfect match for me. She's a Christian, which was nice and made me worry at the same time. I want someone who has the same basis of spirituality as I do, but I don't need a judgmental Bible-thumper.

We talked about everything possible, but what stuck out to me was her reaction to my "sexual orientation" (I hate that phrase). I told her, straightforward, that gender doesn't matter to me. I also told her about the spiritual struggle I have with feeling this way. She said "You know, this is just what I believe. The Bible wasn't written by God. Someone who claims to be guided by God can still be wrong, and things aren't like they were when the Bible was written."

I.LOVE.HER. She didn't judge me. She shared things about herself. She looked me in the eye when we talked. She is just everything I need in a therapist, and I feel so incredibly blessed that I found someone like her on the first try.

As of right now, I feel elated. Who knows how I'll feel next week? I may decide that she isn't the right match for me, but I don't think so. She told me that, if I need a new therapist, she would help me find one. The only other doctor who has offered to refer me to someone who may be a better fit for me was The Amazing Dr. G, and we know how much I love her (though I am massively overdue for my appointment).

So... If you're thinking about seeing a therapist, go for it. Just do it.

I'm so excited to start healing.

Betty's Memoir and My Reflective Thoughts

2011-03-31T05:45:00.003-04:00

You know how you can read a book and it takes forever to "get into it"? Or, worse, it fucking drags on forever to give you something so sub-par that it's like a literary orgasmic letdown (coughcough*Jodi Picoult*coughcough)? If not, consider yourself lucky.

I'm a finicky person. A finicky eater, dresser, and ESPECIALLY a finicky reader. Odds are, anything you hand me, I won't like. I don't read past the first chapter if the book sucks. I'm extremely brutal when critiquing others' works, too.

All this said... "Betty Dodson: A Sexual Revolution" gave me what I needed. I felt... I felt... Fucked by that book. That's the best way I can describe it. The book gave me one of those rare, leg-weakening orgasms that leave me spent and speechless. It teased me, slid it in gently, gave it to me hard, and held me after it was all over. Loved it.

Some parts of the book were already familiar to me, because she and Carlin had discussed them in podcasts. I have my favorites saved in my iTunes library and I listen to them in the car when they come up on shuffle.

What stuck out to me was her loving recollections of experimenting with her brothers. "We’d put my little brother’s penis inside our outer vaginal lips, making a miniature human hot-dog." My initial reactions surprised me, because I try to keep an open mind about things and gauge how I actually feel about something, instead of how I should feel. How should I have felt? Disturbed and uncomfortable, I suppose. How did I feel? Intrigued. Not at the experiences she had, but her unapologetic honesty. I think that's what I love about Betty Dodson as a whole. She isn't afraid to "go there." It makes me wonder what ever happened to just being truthful and unashamed.

I also loved her accounts of her abortions. "Going back over that first abortion, I silently awarded myself a purple heart." She didn't seek anyone's approval, on the contrary, she said she was "made to feel like a criminal." That strength is astounding to me, because no matter how much I love the progressiveness of women's rights and how I feel that no shame should be felt, I know that I wouldn't be that brave. I know that, if I were to ever have an abortion, I would hold that secret to myself forever. There's still a lot of internal work I have to do.

She had the most amazing relationship with her mom. Something I wish all girls (including yours truly) could experience. Absolutely beautiful and honest. *I* love her mom and I never even met her. When Betty talked about her death, I cried. It took me back to last May when my grandma passed away. She was surrounded by her three sons and went peacefully; Daddy said she was fighting to stay alive for Sunday morning, because she loved to go to church. She made it. A little bit after 12am, on Sunday morning, she took her last breath. As I read, I cried out of sadness, but mostly of astonishment. I was emitting small and gasping sobs, because I really couldn't believe death was being treated as something so... Normal? Something that didn't have be so completely riddled with grief, anger, and sadness. It could be beautiful, spiritual, and peaceful. I'd never heard anything like it.

No stone was left unturned. Sexuality and spirituality have always gone hand-in-hand with me, but not necessarily in a positive way. Through Betty's massive amount of textual self-discovery, I delved inside of myself and relived several experiences. Some great, some not, but all beneficial.

I guess I loved this book because it took me on a personal journey. Not just with Betty's experiences, but also with myself. My journey was retrospective; it took me back to being seven or eight and having my first full-on-tongue-in-mouth-kiss with a girl my mom was babysitting. It made me dig out memories I hadn't reviewed in a while. From being around eight or nine and being in bed with a little boy and us taking our pants off and exploring, to the first time I saw a full bush of pubic hair on MW when we were in fifth grade, and even to the first blowjob I gave a while ago, while feeling uninhibited and strangely liberated.

I love books that make you think. I love that this one didn't require researched scenarios or made up love scenes. Just honest memories and honest feelings. There's a reason why I found Dodson and Ross right smack in the middle of my first "life transition." Yay for sexual fate taking hold and guiding me.

Post Secret!

2011-03-27T08:40:00.003-04:00

This hits home for me more than it should. I wonder how many women feel this way?And WHY? I just hope that, if she feels that way, she doesn't end up having kids. There's nothing worse than making your kid feel like nothing for the sake of seeming like everything to your man.

How Does It Hang?

2011-03-23T20:47:00.007-04:00

I'd be lying if I said big dicks didn't visually appeal more to me than small (and by small, I mean it literally; not average) dicks. I wouldn't be truthful if I told you that I didn't drench my undies when I was in high school when my well-endowed friend waved his huge dick around in class (don't judge; things were boring). It would be an untruth if I said that I didn't often search "mature woman and bbc (big black cock)" on porn sites.

Look. Big dicks are hot. They just are. The way men (or woman) always grip them and handle them. It's just sexy, dammit.

But, I think they're massively overrated and translate way past the realm of fantasy. I feel like some women want a huge salami of a penis just because. I forgot what site I was one, but someone made an offhanded comment about women wanting big dicks and they said something along the lines of: "Why would women want five extra inches of man meat that they can't even fit comfortably inside them anyway?" Very true.

I truly do believe "it isn't the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean." Yeah, some women want an ocean liner, but really? Big dicks can be intimidating. You're trusting him to not ease the head in and then thrust-fuck you hard enough to invert your cervix. Ow.

My close friends and I have talked about the penis size of their partners. All but one of them are owners of a partner with a conventionally "big dick". She is also the only one with "complaints." She says that certain positions don't work because his huge dick actually hurts her. She says it's nice to be with other people, because she gets to experience painless deep penetration.

Mr. Blowjob was on the smaller side of average, but that truly didn't matter much to me. He asked my opinion on his size the next morning. Considering I'm not enough of a bitch to say something rude (even if I wanted to), I told him it was perfect, because it was. Who am I to harshly judge anyone's genitals (whether God-given or man-made)? I hate that he felt the need to ask. I sure as fuck won't ask any partner's opinion on any part of my body. My assumption is that, if we're being sexual, you're accepting me as I am and I shouldn't need reassurance.

But, seriously, I'd like a penis for a day, just to see what it's like. Maybe my boob size will translate into my dick size. If so, then just call me "Mandingo."

Yay Lesbians!... with Boobs!

2011-03-23T17:20:00.002-04:00

"These are not indecent"

via: queerpocalypse.tumblr.com

How Much Do Genitals Matter?

2011-03-14T22:47:00.001-04:00

Scenario: You're in a five year relationship with someone. You feel like you fit together perfectly and you can get through anything. You've held off on sex, but you've connected in every other way possible. Tonight is the night, though. You're both ready to take the plunge... So, you pull down your partner's pants and see that they're in possession of the opposite of what they "should" have. If you're with a male, then he has a vagina. If you're with a woman, then she has a penis.

Would that be a deal breaker for you? Would you call it quits because their genitals are contrary to what you expected to find? There was no lying... I mean, how many times do you ask your partner if they have a vagina/penis? It's always assumed. Your partner never told you because she/he figured that it didn't matter. You love your partner for everything they have to offer and everything you both have shared... Would her/his genitals change anything?

I have asked a couple of people that. One is an exclusively gay male (he has never had sex with a woman) and one was a heterosexual female (she has never had sex with a woman). The male said that, no, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. After the shock subsided, he feels like he could continue on with the relationship, with sex included. The heterosexual female pretty much gave the same response.

How would I react? I put myself in a relationship with Glenn Close, of course. Basically... It's pretty hot if she ended up having a penis... I mean, that probably sounds twisted, but I just don't care. I feel like I could handle either one, because I would be so intently in love with the person.

So... I think I can identify myself as "pansexual," if I had to put a label on my feeling toward sexuality.

I was thinking yesterday about my tastes in porn and my interests in relationships (or lack thereof). I started Googling about pansexualism.

One website describes it as: Pansexuality is a sexual orientation that embraces all sexes and gender. People who self-identify themselves as pansexual, also referred to as omnisexual, could be open to romantic and sexual relationships with men, women, transsexuals, transgenders, agendered/gender-queer and intersex people.

I'm up for ALL of that in a potential mate... Or a role in the hay at least.

I told a close family member about this and her response? "I sort of figured." Interesting. She thinks I should "come out" to my family. I was never presented with a legitimate reason why, and even if I was, it's not their right to know and it's not something I feel the need to share. Nothing positive could come out of it, so I'll save myself the unnecessary issues.

Anyway, I finally had an orgasm after a week's hiatus and I feel centered all over again. Big changes are about to happen in this virgin's life and I hope to (as the bitches from the "Bad Girls Club" would say) "bounce up on it."

Just Because Nina is Amazing...

2011-03-14T02:28:00.001-04:00

She even gave a shout out to Betty Dodson. :)

It's Just Nice to Feel Wanted

2011-03-12T01:01:00.009-05:00

Cute guy. We're very compatible. He wants sex. I want sex (more so with a woman than with him, but whatever). Neither of us wants a relationship and this could be 100% no strings attached. He's charming, so sweet, we like the same types of media, and fuck, he wears a cowboy hat (take of that what you will). Oh, and if I get pregnant, our baby will be friggin' adorable.

But, pump those breaks. He's fucked one of my friends. Not only fucked her, but he was her first partner. Ever.

Before explaining the reasons why I will (probably) not fuck him, let me just say that the "girl code" is such bullshit. People are not property. She does not own him, and I can fuck him if I damn well please. BUT, I have a bit of a problem having my second sexual partner be someone who had sex with a good friend... And he "took" her virginity. He would be "taking" mine too, and I don't know how I would feel about that in the future. Don't I deserve my own, personally exclusive virginity-taker?

I explained all of this to him and he responded with "We could do it and no one would have to know." Okay, but I would know (and FUCK other people who do know). And I know it would hurt my friend, because she had feelings for him before the sex actually happened, and now she has wounded feelings after.

That's really not my problem, though, in all honesty. I can't control how she feels. She's even told me she's "not like me" when it comes to sex and how I can separate emotion from desire.

There are millions of other men out there. Why him? If I had sex with him, it would hurt her. It would more than likely seem like I was doing it out of sheer ability as opposed to desire. Again, NOT my problem. How she perceives this situation has absolutely nothing to do with me. Why should I make certain choices about my life dependent on how other people will feel? Because I'm just not the kind of ruthless and careless bitch that I wish I was.

It's nice to feel wanted. He was doing everything in his power to convince me to do it (though I'm positive I'm not the first (or last) girl he has fed this shit to), but I've never been that simple-minded. It takes more than some sweet-talking to get these panties off. The problem is that I don't need convincing. Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't think twice about it. The problem is my conscience and the fact that I'm not willing to cause another person emotional pain just for the sake of having some orgasms.

I just feel like he's something new for me. Something different. Things aren't going super great around here, so it was just nice to have someone's positive attention, even if it was just because they wanted to get in my pants. I haven't had an orgasm in over a week (I'm more shocked than you are). The only erotica I've viewed are commercials and videos with Glenn Close and Jane Lynch. I feel like my pussy has a stuffy nose, because it's so constantly engorged and I never give it any release.

I am just exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. Sex isn't something at the top of my list right now. My solo sex life is currently number five on my list of "Big Important Things". My partner sex life didn't even make the top ten.

Prostitution Quote

2011-03-02T17:49:00.002-05:00

So, I was on Lamebook (mostly hilarious site; some things that are posted just suck) and I saw this comment someone made and I loved it:

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?"

Porn Dialogue

2011-02-28T01:29:00.003-05:00

...I guess a standstill was what it took. Out of nowhere (okay, that's a lie; I was watching porn), I got the urge to start an entry. I should whine about not writing more often. Maybe that's what it takes to get my gears turning again.

I HATE porn dialogue. I really, really do. There is never a time where I like to hear people talk during porn. It either totally kills it for me or makes me laugh hysterically. I watched about ten different videos just now because all of them had people talking unnecessarily.

I'm currently watching this video of two women. They're doing some bullshit office skit (that alone is almost a boner killer; I hate skits, too) where one is a boss (the mature woman) and one wants to be hired (the younger woman). The mature woman had lost brownie points at the beginning of the video because she... isn't my type, to say the least. But, she has a huge clitoris and that's hot, so I kept watching.

Sentences like "Oh, you're perfect for this job" and "I'm going to hire you tomorrow" had me cracking up. Seriously? This bitch is eating you out, sucking on your clit like a fucking cherry Blow Pop, and you're.... talking about her application status. Shut the hell up and moan.

I don't like "dirty talk." I didn't mind it so much once upon a time, but I just hate it now. There are so many situations where words are necessary. I feel like sex is the ONE thing where primal grunts and moans are the only appropriate form of communication, besides the fact that it makes sex so much hotter.

If I ever found a partner that wanted me to talk dirty, they're shit out of luck. For one, I can't do it and sound sexy. I've tried. I seriously sound like I'm either reading a newspaper or a porn star in training. For two, I definitely can't do it without cracking up. I get mid-sentence and go into these shoulder-shaking giggles. I've never seen a point in restating the obvious: "Oh yeah, fuck my pussy." You're already DOING that... Why do I need to narrate that shit?

Oh, and this is totally unrelated to what I was writing about, but I found this interesting: You can get crabs in your eyebrows, eyelashes, mustache, beard, and armpits. What the hell, right? Those fuckers end up everywhere.

Am I Done?

2011-02-27T13:27:00.006-05:00

So, I emailed Carlin and told her that I've reached a place where I don't want to blog anymore. Her being the older-sister-type that she is, she sort of made me realize that I don't WANT to be done... But, I think I just am.

Nothing worth reading about is happening in my life, and I feel like I've covered all bases. There's no sexual, personal, or awkward stone that I've left unturned at this point in my blogging journey.

Am I done? Have I really said it all? I've sat here with my fingers on my keyboard, but nothing comes out. That happens to people all the time, but it's never been this bad for me. Hm.

Maybe I'm being hasty or overemotional. Maybe I should start a new "regular" blog where I write the happenings of my day... Sounds boring and overdone. ::sigh::

I'm not giving up this blog. I guess I'll just let it hang around in cyber space until the mood to write strikes, which is basically what Carlin told me to do.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel back to normal, and I'll be back to writing everyday. I hope so. I miss it.

Sometimes...

2011-02-26T00:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I hate my mom.

I'd Fuck Lucy

2011-02-05T20:21:00.006-05:00

I would rock Lucille Ball's world (well, if she were still alive). Seriously.

When I was younger, I envisioned her and Ethel having lesbian sex all the time. I always preferred to watch them together rather than them and their irritating husbands.

I don't know of any redheads that I'm particularly partial to besides her. I loved her zany personality and always thought Ricky was a fucking asshole and didn't deserve her. I would have appreciated that cute little waist and coy smile way more than he would have. That dick.

I used to fantasize about Lucy and Ethel sitting at the kitchen table, talking over coffee or tea, and they gently start kissing and peeling off layers of clothes. Fingers would slide into sexy places and nipples would be erect. It would end with Ethel giving Lucy audibly wet oral sex (Lucy is the queen bitch up in here) and Lucy reclining on the table and moaning, ending with an explosive orgasm that was always timed perfectly with the oven timer (coming and cooking; that takes talent). They lounge around naked, smoking, and drinking until their husbands are due to come home. So many sexy secrets to be had between two housewives.

I saw an interview and I heard Lucy's real voice (which is quite a bit deeper than the one she uses on "I Love Lucy") and I think I creamed my undies. I LOVE a deep, sexy voice on a woman. It's probably my chosen favorite non-physical quality. Not a manly one, but one that's sensual and in a lower register. I love to hear Kathleen Turner talk softly. God, what I wouldn't give to have her read me a story (it doesn't even have to be remotely sexual story; read me the back of a fucking cereal box) while I masturbate.

The show would have been so much better if the undercover lesbian love affair actually happened. I felt like the women got such a bum deal and they could have used that sexy satisfaction. I've decided that Lucy was extremely decisive when it came to how she wanted to have sex, and Ricky always obliged... Otherwise, why the fuck would she stay with him? He sucks... And probably in a wonderful way.

Period Sex

2011-01-30T01:41:00.001-05:00

"I’ll admit that stained sheets are an annoyance, but getting menstrual blood on oneself is a monthly occurrence for women, and yet we somehow manage to avoid PTSD. Understanding this, and accepting that the vagina is part of the female reproductive system and not just a sterile hole for your dick, is an important step toward becoming a man worthy of fucking."

Caught in Your Eyelashes

2011-01-29T00:11:00.004-05:00

I LOVE THIS SITE!

2011-01-28T13:06:00.004-05:00

I don't know why, but I'm finding a lot of relevant media in relation to my blog. I need to stop being lazy and actually finish an entry.

On D&R, a blogger (Palesa) posted a tumblr site entitled "sex is not the enemy." I LOVE it. It's beautiful, sexy, erotic, and fun. It's sparked a couple of orgasms from me, too. So much variety... From single, fully clothed people to completely nude penetration. So yummy.

I loved this picture. Reminded me so much of yours truly.

Will I Be Pretty?

2011-01-27T14:23:00.001-05:00

The ending got me.

Brown Skin

2011-01-25T03:13:00.008-05:00

I love India Arie. Her voice is amazing and I think she has such a beautiful spirit.

I'm currently in love with her song "Brown Skin". The lyrics are so yummy, sexy, tender and fun.

Click the play button and listen to spoken sensuality.

Salvaging Relationships

2011-01-22T12:38:00.003-05:00

This is the longest "stream of consciousness" entry I've written in a while.

Relationships are falling apart all around me. It doesn't make me sad; it just makes me happy that it's not me. I still feel like I lack the ability to fall in love, because I feel like it's this made up bullshit idea. I know that most people my age (if not all) are in love with the idea of being in love. Fuck that shit.

I don't believe soul mates are ready-made. I feel like you work together and become each other's soul mates. You grow together. You learn together. Saying your vows doesn't magically instill you with all of the knowledge needed to keep a marriage together, and that's why I don't understand why people get married and think things will necessarily get better. Nothing has changed except the fact that you're "under oath" to be a good person/spouse.

It still doesn't make sense to me why a relationship should work long term. Friendships may last for years, but you're rarely ever spending all of your time together. You have your space, you talk to each other often, and you see each other occasionally. It keeps things fresh.

HOW do marriages last?! With all of the flaws that we have as humans, how does anyone stick with one person forever and continue to be happy? How does labeling someone as a husband or wife make them the exception to the rules of relationships? You can get bored. You can find something better. You can realize that you've grown into a different person (whether better or worse). If all of these things happen with a friendship, you may not necessarily end it, but things will definitely change. I have never had an adult friendship where I'm willing to extensively work through differences, because you're going to end up changing or the other person will. I don't want anyone to change for me just because I may not be happy with the qualities that they have.

Why is a marriage worth working for and keeping together if you're both being forced to change? Is that what it is? You have to be willing to possibly change for the other person, even if you don't necessarily agree with the reasons? OR you have to be willing to put up with the other person, even if you don't like most of their qualities? Fuck all of that. If we don't mesh well, a piece of paper that says we're together isn't going to keep me with you.

Yeah, I know some marriages last forever and are great and all that happy shit. I still question those marriages, too, because I wonder if it's just based on comfort as opposed to passion and love. You just grow accustomed to being around that person. It's not fun, but it's not miserable, so it's more a "Why NOT stay together?" situation. I don't want that, either, but I wonder if you can keep things burning white forever... What happens when things die down and you've exhausted all ways to reignite that spark?

It's a lot of work. It takes a lot of compromise to be married. There are so many dynamics that it's impossible to use the same tactic for all of them. Yeah, communication is mandatory to keep things going, but when ISN'T communication the first thing you turn to when there's a problem? That's just what you do in life: you have a problem, you talk it out before it explodes into something irreparable.

I could be a wife. I'm feel like I'm equipped with the basic skills needed to help a marriage work. But, I don't WANT to. I have no desire to put forth the effort. There are too many things that could happen. I would just want to end it, because life is too fucking short for me to be putting my all into someone or something when I can possibly move on and find something that's a better fit.

I could never trust a person enough. I almost refuse to. I have faith in God, but none in humans... Because I am one. I know what I'm capable of, and I doubt everyone uses the same kind of logic that I use. I guess you just genuinely have to be willing to work through it all.

So, the verdict from VirginMonoblogger still stands: Fuck romantic relationships*. I don't want or need one. Life is complicated enough.

*none of this applies to Glenn Close; we are perfect for each other

They LIED!

2011-01-19T20:15:00.009-05:00

The excessive farts, cravings for Oreo Pie, and hormonal breakouts are officially in full swing. That can only mean one thing: I am menstruating.

You know, menstruation is amazing. Truly it is. I've blogged about it before and we all know I love moon blood and all that good shit.

HOWEVER, the symptoms that come along with it? Not so much amazing. They never told me this when I was taking sex education. From my understanding, I would have some bleeding and possibly some minor cramping (but that's just for the really unlucky girls) and I would be done within five days or less.

LIES.

They didn't mention the possibility of: almost-debilitating cramps, constantly staining pants/underwear (yep, those are mine up there) the diarrhea and/or constipation, the gas, the constant urge to pee, the nausea, the headaches, the bloating... Or the fact that I'm lucky if my period doesn't run for eight complete days, with several days of spotting to follow.

Why didn't they tell me? Why wasn't this explained? CAN A BITCH GET A PAMPHLET?

So, today, I've taken several Midol doses and some anti-emetic medication. I'm bloated. My fingers are swollen. I drip blood on my bathroom floor when walking from the sink to the shower. I have to choose my sneezes and coughs carefully, depending on the type of menstrual protection I'm using. My boobs were absolutely aching until I actually started bleeding. Every place I go is entirely too hot for my comfort.

I guess I'm just not feeling it this month. I don't feel like masturbating. I feel like my period is being more of a FUCKING BITCH than a beautiful blessing from Mother Nature.

Blow Jobs

2011-01-17T12:57:00.003-05:00

It's known that I have this weird oral fixation and I like to suck on things. Having a penis to always have in my mouth is really the only perk I can think of when it comes to being in a committed relationship with one person.

So, I noticed that I and my friends have different blow job "styles". After observing them during the act, we all handle a dick differently. One friend alternates stroking and sucking, but never does both of the same time. My other friend does both at the same time, never separately.

He had no complaints, and his only request/suggestion was prior to any oral action when he said "Please don't bite my dick. It's happened before and it just doesn't feel good." Hey, I can respect that. It made me laugh, because a girl that I knew a while ago had a guy who loved it when she gently scraped her teeth up his shaft. I mean, hey... To each his own.

Then it got me thinking... What makes a BAD blow job? Too much suction? No suction? Gagging? Isn't it really dependent on the person receiving the action more so than it is the action itself? I mean, I'm sure there are guidelines to follow, but how can anything so personal be written in stone?

One friend said that, when she gave her first blow job, she spit on it. She SPIT on his PENIS. That made me cringe, because I can't imagine gathering up my saliva, releasing it on his dick, and then swallowing it again. It just makes me nauseated thinking about it. She also sucked his balls. Why did she do all of this? She always sees it in porn... Well, though I'm sure there is some good porn out there that will unintentionally teach you to give a good blow job, the throat-fucking/face smacking that I always come across doesn't seem like something I'm going to try to emulate.

I never really paid attention to my oral technique, but I do notice that I go a lot slower than they do and I use more tongue. I guess I think about how *I* would want a blow job. Until I'm told differently (and hell yeah, I'm open to suggestions from the suckee), I don't see much of a reason to switch this shit up. Though I don't think it matters, because everybody likes different things. Just because I may be fantastic at giving oral to one person does not mean that will be the case with every dick that enters my mouth.

I look forward to perfecting my oral techniques... On men and women alike.

Oh, What a Night

2011-01-09T12:23:00.006-05:00

Dear Lord, last night was the weirdest, most awesome things I've experienced in... Yeah, forever.

Let me start out by saying I planned to lose my virginity. Yep, I planned it. I knew how, when, and where I wanted to let it happen. I don't like spontaneity. I'll ask you to tell me the ending of a book or movie and I'll still watch and enjoy it.

I had my mind made up. I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted.... Until I asked two people their opinions on the issue and then I got mixed up. I was presented with so many legitimate reasons why I shouldn't, but I still have just as many reasons why I should.

I picked out the sexy underwear two days in advance. I planned to wear my nicest bra (which is hard, since they're all pretty boring and old). I was going to wear eyeliner and every smear on some lip gloss.

Then... I stopped. That isn't who I am. I don't wear thongs anymore (and I didn't like them for the brief time that I did). I don't even LIKE wearing bras. I don't wear make up of any kind. Why was I trying to look impressive? I decided to wear jogging pants, a pony tail, and a hoodie, just like I would any other time. I did, however, buy a dollar store ovulation test (which was negative for luteinizing hormone, so I'm not ovulating).

So, I suppose I'll go ahead and say that no, I did NOT get any dick last night. I didn't get scared and not do it, I just "wasn't feeling it", besides the fact that my resident fuck buddy hasn't been heard from since... Um... Wednesday. By anyone. So, maybe he's missing, maybe he's out of town, or maybe I got stood up. Doesn't make a bit of a difference to me. He doesn't belong to me, my heart wasn't exactly set on popping my cherry, and I still had a fantastic time.

Me and two other friends (not MW or our other pregnant friend) got a motel room for the festivities. Yes, this is a routine now. We're young college students, so we all still live at home. None of our parents would put up with the shit that is bound to happen at any of our sleepovers.

After several gulps of Smirnoff green apple vodka (fun fact: you know the little white stopper that's in vodka to keep it from pouring out too fast? I can totally remove those with my teeth), we were in the party mood. There was kissing, tongue touching, boobs/vulva flashing, and I'm pretty sure I licked pre-mixed Mai Tai off of my friend's boob... And then my own.

One of my friends invited over her partner (they aren't together; strictly sexual, which I love). You know what happened? I got to watch LIVE PORN! FINALLY!!! It was just oral, but I couldn't believe my fucking eyes. I took it upon myself to put my friend's hair in a pony tail and she went to town. To hear the slurping, to see his facial expressions... It was amazing.

Then... THEN, our other friend jumped in. She was going down on him, too. At this point, I had put down the Black and Mild I was trying to light and I was pacing back and forth alternating between watching intently and saying "This... is my life. This can't be real. How is this happening?"

I watched TWO friend give oral sex to ONE guy. He had to leave to make his tattoo appointment (how badass), so he zipped his pants up with his throbbing erection pressing into his jeans.

So, I got what I wanted. One more thing marked off my bucket list. No one woke up with a hangover... Well, one friend would have, but she started crying and shit, so she was cut the fuck off before I started to kick her emotional ass.

When things like this happen, I think about the stories I could tell my (possible) future kids. They wouldn't exactly be shocked, though, because I'm going to raise them in a house where sex will be common conversational fodder. Yay for no sexual repression.

2011

2011-01-01T00:42:00.002-05:00

So, I survived yet another year. Besides my grandma passing away, I can say that this has been a pretty excellent year. Last year at this time, I was just discovering who I was sexually. Now, I feel like I have more of a grasp of who I really am.

So, it is my new year's resolution to have an orgasm every single day. I'm almost positive I'll fail, but I'm going to make an honest effort.

Things will be picking up for me at school as I move closer to graduation, but I'm carrying this blog on forever, I think. I just need help with renaming it once I finally do ride a dick or bump pussies with the mature woman of my dreams.

Anyway, I hope every one of my readers has an amazingly blessed year and every possible good thing comes to you. Stay true to yourself and all of that good shit.

I'm going to go masturbate and take my tired ass to sleep.

Really, Pussy?

2010-12-26T21:05:00.004-05:00

Okay, dammit.

I've been pretending it doesn't exist. Pretending it's not really a problem. Coping any way I can. I just can't deal anymore and I'm calling my pussy out:

Why the fuck do you smell so weird during the week following my period? No, don't give me any bullshit; I sincerely want to know why and I want to know NOW.

The week of ovulation, you smell absolutely fantastic. Hell, if it were possible, I'd probably eat you out my damn self. During menses, you just... smell like blood. Nothing offensive, just your regular sort of salty, metallic smell. It's the time when the bleeding has tapered off and I'm barely spotting that you don't smell so yummy. Normally, you're a bit dry during this time (until I give you a little finger play), but that's about it. I can't even describe the smell. It's not fishy or anything, but it's just not you. It's like I'm owning another woman's pussy... A woman who, clearly, should get her girl bits checked out, because shit just ain't kosher down there.

This hasn't even been a problem until the past few periods. I haven't been eating anything out of the ordinary. I haven't been using any new soaps. You're not itchy/presenting any other symptoms. I haven't started using any new sex toys (sadly). So, do tell me, my dearest pussy... What the hell is your damn problem?

I don't normally speak to you in such a harsh and disrespectful way. We normally get along pretty well. I just feel like this is something you need to hear. Call it tough love or call me a bitch, but I am simply pissed off. I feel like you're being my little bastard child and you're acting out because you want special attention.

Well, fuck you, dude. I'm NOT about to devote any more time to you than I already do. I'm pretty sure I touch you more often than my feet touch the floor. Do you know what I do when things change and I don't like it? I ignore them. I just pretend they don't exist anymore. Is that what you want?

So... how are we going to fix this? I know this time next week, I will have forgotten that this even happened and we'll be best friends again, having orgasms galore. Then I'll get my period again (which, sidenote, I had only 26 days between this period and my last one) and this problem will present itself yet again. Get your shit together or drastic measures will have to be taken.

Do you WANT The Amazing Dr. G to see you in this condition? No? I didn't fucking think so.

Good Ol' Sexual Encouragement

2010-12-22T09:32:00.006-05:00

I'm still trying to gather all of my thoughts from last night. No, I didn't have sex. This entry isn't really even about me, but I feel just as satisfied. My night consisted of drinking, eating string cheese, having my period, sleeping in a chair, and being so cold that I was shaking. Seriously. Those are the highlights of MY night.

A good friend turned 21 and rented two motel rooms for partying/crashing to go down. One mutual friend at the party and I shared a lot of the same thinking. We were both waiting until marriage. We both acted a bit shocked/disgusted when we found out that people were having sex with someone they weren't married to. We both were also scared shitless of the thought of actually going through with anything.

She touched her first penis (and being totally apprehensive to do so), got her first kiss, gave her first blowjob (WITH EJACULATION!), got fingered, and TRIED to be penetrated last night... She puts me to shame, right? Damn.

She was so into the guy she was with. They've known each other for a while and she was still trying to play coy. Well, all it took was for me and another mutual friend to give a little encouragement (and it didn't take much, as she was already straddling him and moaning). My only condition was that, if they were going to start going at it in the room we were in, I wasn't leaving on my own accord. I was going to sit on the opposite bed and watch. Clearly, I'm NOT about to pass up some hot interracial lovin'.

They ended up going down to his car and handled business (damn her modesty). When I walked her back into the room, there was a fluid-filled condom on the floor. She reached down to grab it and I smacked her hand away, yelling "IS THAT YOURS?! DON'T TOUCH THAT IF IT'S NOT YOURS!" but it was and she disposed of the evidence. I felt so satisfied after her sexual experience, I felt like I needed a cigarette.

She kept saying "It wasn't bad at all," and "I don't regret it." She reminded me so much of myself, it was crazy. I kept saying "Why did you think it it WOULD be bad?" and "Why WOULD you regret it?" She had it ingrained in her mind that her first sexual experience would suck and she would feel extremely guilty about it. I'm so happy we were both still young enough to realize that we can take our sexuality into our own hands and form our own opinions about every experience that we choose to have.

So, even though I had to sleep in a chair and I'm still exhausted... Even though I had to master the art of changing my tampon while moderately drunk... It was all worth it to have a good friend realize that sex can be just sex and enjoy it all. It can be pleasurable, fun, and spontaneous and you can find a guy that will still totally respect your choices, even in the midst of a raging erection. We're all finding our sexual footing and it's fantastic.

I'm just so happy.

My Thoughts on "16 and Pregnant"

2010-12-20T19:18:00.002-05:00

Alright. So, I love crap TV as much as the next girl. I can get behind any show and at least be moderately entertained.

I cannot stay behind "16 and Pregnant" anymore. I just can't do it, MTV. There is zero variety. Seriously, just about every single show is "Oh, I loved him for two whole months. Oh, then I got pregnant. Oh, he hates me now, but I still love him. Oh, he has no job and still lives at home. Oh, I'm in the EXACT same position... Oh... Let's go to the hospital, because I'm having my baby and I'm going to name it something totally ridiculous..." It's amazing to me that they can find so many girls willing to let their lives be displayed on television.

I hate how these girls are commended for "growing up". Growing up isn't something that is voluntary. You have to do that once you decide to be a parent. Oh, and I love how, at the end, the girls do this little segment about how they feel now as opposed to how they felt before they had the baby. It's always "I wish I would have waited. It's so much harder than I thought. I would advise all girls to wait."

YOU shouldn't be the one giving the advice! I think I got the idea of "not having kids"... Which is why I'm not the one with the baby. It just completely blows my fucking mind.

It's not even a matter of sex education. I don't think I've seen a single episode where a girl has said "I actually used a condom and I STILL ended up pregnant!" Most times, they don't even bother.

I'm sure I'm coming across as "judgmental". I can't even pass judgment, because I wasn't a teen mom, now can I? Well, fuck that. I know for a fact that I'm not ready for a kid NOW, let alone at 16. Could I have adapted? Probably. But, I didn't (and don't) want that for myself. It's not a matter of having kids young. If it happens, you do the best you can to get the job done.

It's the fact that this is actually entertainment now. Yeah, I'll admit that I love the first season and the subsequent "Teen Mom" series. I feel like viewers formed a bond with that group because we had never seen another show like it. But now, it's just pointless, stupid, and repetitive. AND, GOD, THE RERUNS! Seriously, MTV should just ditch every other show, because they show "16 and Pregnant" reruns for about twenty hours a day.

So, I won't be watching ever again. I feel like I'm silently boycotting. I love shows like "True Life". You actually get a peek into people's lives who are handed a situation and they're showing you how they live their lives in the face of adversity. Something interesting and inspiring.

I just can't find a tender spot in my heart for a girl who got pregnant at sixteen when she had all resources available to her.

I'm Too Open

2010-12-13T19:41:00.004-05:00

Fun fact: My parents are currently fucking and I have my headphones in. I can wrap my head around just about everything that has to do with sex, but my parents actually doing it just disturbs me. I'm sorry.

Anyway, that was way out of my train of thought for this entry.

I was mildly insulted today. Maybe I shouldn't have been and I'm thinking too much about this situation, but I don't think so and I'm entitled to feel however the fuck I want.

So, my friend told me that she has a lot of people she wants me to meet. She's friends with them and she feels like we would mesh well and we could be a huge group of awesomeness. I was cool with that, until she said "Yeah, but you can't meet (some obscure name I can't even remember)." When I asked her why, she said "You're just too free. She wouldn't like that."

Wait, wait, WHAT? I'm too "free"? She seems to think I'm too open about the things I talk about, sex being one of those topics.

Look. I was raised extremely well. I have fantastic social etiquette skills when I'm forced to use them (which isn't often, thank God). There's a difference between being so open and crude about sex that it makes people uncomfortable and simply being proud and not ashamed of my choices.

Besides that, what the hell... Who just meets someone and says "Hey, I'm VirginMonoblogger. I enjoy short walks on the beach, vodka, and masturbating to my female professor"? If the conversation doesn't take a natural turn towards a topic, I don't often bring it up.

There are so many facets to simply being a person. I'm not one-dimensional. I can talk about anything if I know the topic fairly well. I guess that's why I felt so insulted. She chose to pick the one unconventional thing about me (actually being open about my sex life when appropriate?) and say that someone wouldn't like it, so we shouldn't even bother meeting. I'm an honest individual. That's the one way my mom and I actually parallel. We just have always told it like it was. If you're wanting my input in a conversation, it's going to be an honest one. I don't make apologies for that.

I didn't feel the need to defend myself, because I know who I am and I'm so comfortable with me. It's not my life duty to be sure other people understand me, too.

My Pussy Slug

2010-12-10T05:04:00.001-05:00

Today, I think I am actually ovulating. I feel warm, busty, and slutty. I have the urge to put on a low cut shirt and learn over and expose my jugs to men and mature women. This is probably my favorite part of my cycle.

I noticed I felt extremely wet (not even trying to sound sexy; I seriously felt soaked), so I took off my pants and parted my lips in the mirror. I see myself almost pouring. Amidst my usual clear mucous, I had a... Slug of sorts. It stretched from my inner labia to almost peeking out of my outer labia. Just a long string of cervical mucous.

I actually said to myself, out loud, "Awww, how cute." I don't know why it sparked that reaction in me, but I just thought my little pussy slug was adorable. Quietly nestled betwixt my pussy lips, almost going unnoticed.

I had to pee, so I was sad to wipe it away, but I was also sexually ravenous and had a few fantastic orgasms (complete with my Dr. Sexy fantasies).

With my cycles feeling so erratic for the past several months, it was nice to experience something that felt normal and comfortable. Masturbating during ovulation is my favorite time to touch myself, and I always have the most fantastically gooey orgasms. Hearing the wet slurp of my dildo sliding in and out of me makes me come in minutes.

I look forward to having sex during ovulation, with both women and men. I'm sure I'm abnormally fertile. A guy could jizz on my knee and I would probably get knocked up, so I'm going to have to figure something out for birth control. Just the idea of me having sex with a woman while so wet an lusty sends me into sexual overdrive.

Well, with all of that talk, you know what I have to go do.

Her Plump Pussy

2010-12-09T03:11:00.006-05:00

I have a friend I absolutely adore. She's so cute and funny, and she has the quirkiest way of speaking.

Now that I've said that, I feel like I can go ahead and say that she has the most unique pussy I have ever seen.

I know everyone knows about camel toes, but it's not even that. You can see the perfect outline of her pussy through any pants she wears. You can see her plump mound and the beginning of her slit (I hate that word, but the thesaurus didn't return any pleasing alternatives) through jeans, shorts, dress pants... Anything.

I always find myself staring at it whenever we're talking. She's shorter than me, so I guess it's not extremely obvious since I'm looking down at her all the time, but I'm sure she's noticed. It just intrigues me, because out of all of the female friends I've ever had, I've never seen anything like hers. I've never had the chance to see it bare, but if she ever offers, I'll probably answer "yes" way too quickly and just make the situation completely uncomfortable.

I'm not sexually attracted to her, but I want to completely explore that fleshy mound of feminine goodness that always perfectly protrudes. I want to palm it and spread it open. I have such an urge to visually take in every bit of her genitalia. Is that weird?

I want a job where I look at genitals all day. Seriously. I just want to be paid to have people take their clothes off, let me look between their legs, and give my opinion about how amazing it is. THAT is my dream job.

God, I wish I had snapped a picture.

"Will You Carry My Child?"

2010-11-28T14:21:00.001-05:00

I was asked if I would carry my gay friend's child in two to four years. He was being completely serious.

I'm all for gay people adopting kids. It's COMPLETELY beyond me why ANYONE would choose to have a kid, but if that's what they want, then power to them.

At first, I was honored. He wants to use my body as a vessel for his child. That's some deep shit, right?

So, before I responded, I asked if my eggs would be used in the process. When he said yes, I responded with "...then that would make me a biological parent, therefore, I would have a child and I hate children, so hell fucking no."

In two years, I will have started my nursing career and my parents would lose their minds if they found out I was pregnant... And not married... With a GAY man's child... And I don't plan to be a parent to said child. I can't avoid them for nine whole months, dude.

He was actually shocked at my response. Now, yes, this could be my chance to fuck my gay man, but... I mean... We would have a KID. No matter how much I ignored the fact that I pushed out a baby, the baby would still exist and wouldn't have a mom. I can't just abandon my baby with good conscience. I don't doubt that he and his partner would be fantastic parents, but I find it hard to believe that there is any actual substitute for a good mom.

So, say I actually go through with this... What the fuck is he going to tell the kid when it's five and wondering why she has two daddies and no mommy? "Oh... Well, see, your mommy doesn't like kids, so she gave you to us." That's basically what the truth is, but that would be totally crushing. If it were me, I couldn't imagine feeling anything but absolute hatred for my mom.

I would totally do it, but I would like it to be like an open adoption. I'd like to see the kid occasionally (especially if it's a little girl) and be a reachable and present figure in his/her life. I'm not completely heartless. I still care.

So, no. I can't do it. I would just feel so horrible. I would rather just have a baby that I'm going to care for and love, whether that's by myself or with a partner. That won't be for a while (if at all), so I had to politely decline. I still feel special that, out of all of his female friends, I'm his first choice.

How sweet.

"I Can Smell the Sin on Your Breath!"

2010-11-27T08:24:00.005-05:00

Has a dream ever ruined something for you that you thought was awesome? If not... Then, I guess I'm just weird.

I had a dream that I finally went through with completing oral sex (on the same guy) and he came in my mouth. And I gagged a little. I swallowed, though, because... Dammit, I'm a fuckin' trooper and I'm not going to be a little bitch about it.

I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Now, this isn't out of character for me, because I enjoy brushing my teeth and... Well... I brushed my teeth last time after I had penis in my mouth. Hm. I wonder how many women (or men) do that. I mean, it makes sense to me. Who falls asleep with dick on their breath? God, how awful. I'm getting way off topic. Anyway, I brushed and swished with Listerine like I normally do, but I could still taste the semen/dick mix in my mouth, only now it was minty. Minty Semen Dick should not be the next Ben & Jerry's flavor.

That isn't the worst part. I come home and talk to my mom (something I try to avoid whenever possible) and she goes all "Carrie" on me and starts screaming about "smelling the sin on my breath." Whoa, whoa, whoa. My MOM can SMELL the SEMEN on my BREATH? Awkward. Not only does that make her more of a whore in my mind, but what a horrible thing to be in trouble for. Not for drinking or smoking... But, for sucking dick. Ugh. Pathetic.

Then I started to wonder why the semen was so apparent on MY breath. I mean, was there something I was supposed to buy that would dissolve the flavor/scent into nothing? How many people had I talked to with Minty Semen Dick breath and I didn't recognize it?! WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW EVERYTHING?!

So, just to wrap it up, Bible scriptures were read, I kept getting disapproving glances from my dad, and tears were shed all around. What a hilarious (but shameful) dream to have, and I wouldn't put it past either of my parents to somehow make this entire thing a reality.

What was going through my head the entire time? "I bet pussy doesn't stay on your breath this long."

I'm Thankful For...

2010-11-25T17:13:00.006-05:00

I am such a Scrooge. I hate holidays because they ruin my routine of being alone. Being around large amounts of people (especially ones I happen to be related to) is... almost painful.

Anyway, I thought I should do an entry about what I'm thankful for. There are so many things, and I suppose I could write for days.

First, I'm mostly thankful for coming into my own. I have never, in my entire twenty years of survival, been so comfortable with myself. I'm so thankful for Carlin and Betty, because it was almost sexual fate that I happened upon their site. I don't remember what I had Googled or what I was looking for, but I remember spending hours upon hours going from topic to topic and being absolutely amazed that... Well, there ARE successful women who exist and still love to just fuck for the fun of it. I doubt I would be as comfortable and as happy as I am without them.

I'm thankful for this blog. Holy shit. I finally have an outlet to talk about all of my sexual eccentricities. I probably disclose way too much information, but it feels absolutely amazing to finally get it out. Plus, it's almost a personal ad. Glenn Close may be surfing the net one night, realize I'm everything she ever wanted, and email me. (Glenn, seriously... Don't hesitate)

I'm thankful that I've internally reconciled the differences between me and my mom. I finally don't feel the need to impress her or to get her to accept me. I'm thankful that I've found real reasons to love her, and just because I "have to". I'm mostly thankful that I feel comfortable enough to live my life without her. I could move away and I know I would be okay. I'm happy that I realized what she wants for me isn't what I want for me before it was too late. God, I would have been pissed and miserable if I followed her life plan for me.

I'm thankful for my orgasms. My therapy, my reward, and my balance. I consider myself so lucky to have taken my sexuality into my own hands at such a young age. I know that whatever partner I'm with, I can verbalize what I like and want without a doubt. I look forward to a satisfying sex life.

So, yes. Those are some of the things that come to mind. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. :)

Late Periods and New Babies

2010-11-22T17:46:00.005-05:00

I have officially become a woman who can no longer precisely pinpoint the onset of nearing menses. How completely inconvenient. In the past months, I've started bleeding at the very beginning of a 100 question anatomy test (complete with a two part discussion question). I've started bleeding while standing in a long line of a grocery store. I've started bleeding in the car, when I realize I have nary a pad or tampon and toilet paper will be my savior once again.

I know it's due to stress. I have headaches, my scalp (yes, my scalp) is actually sore some days, and I have the joy of experiencing constipation and diarrhea, sometimes all in the same day! It's only to be expected that my hormonal cycles will follow. I've had sore boobs for over two weeks and the vaginal dryness isn't amusing me at all.

While I'm not menstruating, my friend in Texas is experiencing the same thing, but for different reasons.

Remember the night of drunken skinny dipping and ass smacking with Military Wife and another mutual friend? Well, that mutual friend is officially pregnant. That horny bitch didn't even make it to six months after the wedding.

She called last night (well, 1am this morning, rather) to ask when my last period was, because she normally starts a couple days before me. I've been all over the place, so I wasn't much help with that. When she realized that she was probably late, she took a pregnancy test and there was a faint pink second line. Well, four positive at-home tests and an official blood test later, pregnancy is confirmed. She's happy, so I'm happy.

I definitely would have waited until I was more stable with living arrangements (she's a military wife, too), saved some money, and made a million plans. But, life doesn't always go with a plan and I wish them the best, because having a baby, no matter how young you are, is serious business.

It really blows my mind to think that someone I've known since we were 13 is actually about to be a mom. She was telling me how she already loves her baby (I have told myself that it's a girl and I refuse to be convinced otherwise) and she's only four weeks along. It's crazy to think how much everyone is growing up. MW plans to start trying for a baby soon, too. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and maternal. Not maternal enough to have a baby, but maternal enough to want to cuddle theirs.

Fun fact: I just started my period. The news of the pregnancy has shocked my uterus into submission.

Childhood Sexuality

2010-11-11T15:46:00.008-05:00

So, I was on Facebook and one of my friends posted a link to the book "Understanding Loved Boys and Boylovers." She's a mom and she was, of course, absolutely disgusted by the idea the Amazon would ever post anything like this for sale. She claimed that she won't buy from Amazon anymore because they're allowing something like this to be sold on their site. Fine. If it bothers you to that extent, then feel free to take your business elsewhere.

I was intrigued, though. I was sincerely curious as to how someone would defend something that society has deemed so horrible. I read the reviews first, and then read through the first few pages that Amazon allowed me to read. So, without passing too much harsh judgment on a book I didn't thoroughly read... I just think it's bullshit. It's not bullshit that the book was written, but bullshit in the approach that it took (in the first few pages anyway).

The writer was basically said that, since boys are sexual at a young age and sometimes reprimanded for acting on sexual urges, they can end up repressed and damaged. Okay, that may be true. He goes on to say that the boy will "search out other sources of information, and will experiment either alone, with his peers, or perhaps with older boys or men, to satisfy his curiosity and find pleasure and gratification." Yeah. We've all played "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." I have with both genders, on more than one occasion and at different ages. But, the thing is... Whoever I played that with was the same age as me at the time. We were all mentally in the same place when it came to sexuality. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

He lost me COMPLETELY when he goes on to say, and I quote: "Girls by nature view sex much differently; to them it is a matter of allowing or inviting their bodies to be penetrated, and, when they are old enough, impregnated justified only by what they precieve as love, commitment, and promised support." Then he says that girls invite boys to play house, or push a baby in a carriage, or to come to their tea parties, so we (as girls) are basically perpetuating the fact that males are supposed to be heterosexual before they get to consciously decide whether they're heterosexual or homosexual. He doesn't mention that, well... You know, girls could have the SAME fucking issue. Who gives the girls the dolls? Who buys her dresses? Who tells her to cross her legs and "be a lady"? At a young age, she doesn't always do it herself; it's also "thrust" upon her which gender roll she's supposed to take. If he seriously thinks BOYS are repressed... Then girls must be completely imprisoned. But, this isn't a debate on who's more damaged than the other.

He goes on to say that sexuality is an "adventure", a "thrilling physical sensation" for boys and they have to act on urges. That's right, women: We are frigid and only play with dolls until a man can knock us up so we can have a real baby. Sexual pleasure? We don't want it and we don't need it, dammit! We're not boys!

Anyway, he basically says that an adult man is a perfect candidate to teach a boy how to handle his sexual urges. He says a boy should be able to choose which companions they want when it comes to this self discovery. In my opinion, the only adult male who should be teaching a boy about himself is his father, and it doesn't need to be mutually sexual. That's my issue: as an adult, I just don't think it's fair to participate in sexual relations with a child. I can't see a healthy and well-rounded individual coming from a relationship like this, because I can't see a child choosing to do extensive sexual things on their own accord, without being probed to do them by the adult. Manipulation at any age isn't okay. What child has the sexual maturity/desire of an adult?

I just think self-exploration is the way to go. Let any child know that it's okay to explore themselves sexually. I agree completely that repression is a problem, but an adult involving themselves sexually with a child is not the way to solve this problem.

Our Pastor is a Man Whore

2010-11-07T02:03:00.003-05:00

So, before my parents' work schedules got all crazy, we regularly attended church. We firmly lived by "the family that prays together, stays together." We have our own Bibles with our names engraved on the bottoms and everything.

I've never liked church. Ever. It's completely uncomfortable for me to worship as a Southern Baptist. I just can't identify with the shouting, loud singing, and falling out in the floor at the note-change of the organ or piano. I'm a quiet worshiper. If I'm going to attend a church, I'd much prefer to bypass all of the singing and plunge right into the sermon of the day so we can all go home.

So, anyway, we never found a "church home". I've never been baptized, partly for this reason. The other is that I don't believe you have to be baptized to go to heaven, but that's besides the point. There was one church, however, that we attended for about a quite a while. We stopped eventually, and it turns out... The pastor of that church was FUCKING the members. Twisted.

But, you know... He isn't just fucking them, but knocking them up, too. He has like, three or four kids bouncing on the pews every Sunday. What blows my mind is that someone who is supposed to be guiding me and teaching me to be more Christ-like... isn't. But, ha. You know what they say... "Those who can't- teach."

I never heard him mention premarital sex in any of his sermons, but he very well could have. I was possibly temporarily distracted because of a woman constantly screaming "JESUS!!!" and sliding all over the floor.

Is that not crazy as hell (no pun intended)? A pastor having sex with the members of his church. I don't even know how to feel about the issue. It just seems to me... If you're taking on the role of guiding people to God, you shouldn't be consciously doing things like that. If you're teaching from the same Bible that warns against having extramarital relations, then you shouldn't be having them, right? You're pretending to be something you're not. THE ANTI-CHRIST!!! (dun dun dun)

People of the congregation have attempted to get him to either step down or acknowledge his wrong-doings and ask for forgiveness from the church. Well, for one, if I was still a part of his congregation, he wouldn't owe me an apology. Would I have felt cheated? A year ago, I would have. I would have been disgusted, because he's supposed to be clean and Christ-like. Now? Meh. It's none of my business what he chooses to do. Before anyone knew about him and his sexy church girls, they were going faithfully every Sunday and absorbing the power of God. I guess they feel slighted, and I can understand that. Looking to someone as a holy vessel, and they turn out to be the "opposite" can be shocking and hurtful. Fine. He's a lying lie-face who lies.

Religion is based so much on shame and judgment. I finally understand that sex does not have to equal love (and it often doesn't). I finally understand that it CAN be based on pleasure and pure desire, and that's perfectly okay. I also finally understand that MOST PEOPLE KNOW THAT, but won't admit it. We just need to stop kidding ourselves and just accept each other for who we are. While that may not mean attending a church where the pastor is "morally corrupt," it can definitely mean realizing that, yeah, we may all be sinners... But, we're all human.

Lesbian Dreams

2010-11-05T08:39:00.004-04:00

Y'all... I had my very first, authentic, and complete lesbian sex dream less than an hour ago. My pussy is still engorged.

When I'm under an incredible amount of stress, I always dream about crazy stuff. I've killed my mom multiple times, I've walked into a bakery and eaten every doughnut they had, I've had sex with numerous men in different places... You know, things I've actually thought about while awake.

So, we all know about my love for Dr. Sexy and how she's caused numerous real orgasms. Well, she is also the cause of most of my stress. I think about her multiple times a day because I think about her class multiple times a day and I spend hours doing work for her.

Well, I don't know WHO was in this dream. I can't remember her face at all. I just remember that we were roommates somewhere (just another manifestation of me wishing I no longer lived at home) and we didn't talk very much. I was just completely uninterested in her as a person, so I just pretended that she didn't even exist.

So, one day, she starts talking about something and she says the most intelligent and interesting things. She had me so intrigued with everything she was saying. We connected so well. By the end of the day, I was in bed with her (I have no conscious sense of time segments during my dreams). I remember her being hesitant, but still wanting to do it. I reassured her that this would be my first time with another girl, too. We kissed, and my hands were in her pants. I can clearly remember what her pubic hair felt like between my fingers. It started out with her legs still being rigid and closed tightly together, but she eventually relaxed and let me do to her what I... Just normally do to myself. She (of course) had a fantastic (and excessively wet) orgasm, gasping and moaning the whole way.

I don't know what the deal with her clitoris was, though. I'm pretty sure I have a general idea of what a standard clit should look like, but hers was... Okay, envision a push pin. Now, shrink it down to something a Barbie might be able to hold. That's what it looks like. What the hell, right? I mean, the appearance sure as hell didn't keep my mouth off of it, but that was just an odd observation I made. I don't remember what she tasted like, and the oral sex portion of my dream is just a quick flash in my mind, but I mean... No complaints.

I'm stressed and sexually... bored? frustrated? I don't know. I just want sex and I'm masturbating at an abnormally high rate, even for me. I'll read a chapter and then masturbate. Read another chapter and then masturbate. It's a never-ending cycle.

So... Yeah, I can say it's the best dream I've had to date. Hands down. (yes, that was meant to be a pun)

Why I Would Never Come Out to My Parents

2010-10-30T06:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, for the sake of this entry, let's pretend I'm a lesbian.

No, let's say that me and Dr. Sexy actually hit it off, realize that we're meant to be together, and get into a committed relationship, since that's a HUGE possibility.

I would never... EVER tell my parents that I'm in a relationship with someone of the same sex, whether it lasts for ten minutes, ten years, or ten lifetimes. I would carry that secret to my grave.

Why? Well, I don't think I fear rejection. I guess you'd have to care what your parents think about your sexual choices and love life for that to happen... And I just don't care anymore. My mom is actually cool with gay people, but I think it's one of those situations that she's cool with it as long as it's not me. "Oh, your friend is pregnant? I hope it's a little girl. Has she sent you any ultrasound pictures?" But, when I used to bring up wanting to have kids, she would shit a brick. Side note on that topic, now that I don't want kids anymore, she's all upset about it. Wtf, really? Sorry, I'm not subjecting another child to her inevitable wrath, if I can help it. Anyway, as long as other people are gay, or having sex, or getting pregnant, or drinking, she's accepting and tolerable. It just can't be a reality for me.

Daddy just simply doesn't agree with the gay lifestyle. He doesn't mistreat anyone and is the nicest guy ever. We've always gotten along and have been partners in crime. That is probably the only thing I would change about him if I could (next to him being such an unnecessary neat freak). He's a quiet Bible thumper and believes it's morally wrong to be gay. Fine. I'll accept that. I used to think the exact same thing... While secretly masturbating to lesbian porn and fantasizing about being touched intimately by a mature woman. Fail.

I don't think I have a particular reason as to why I wouldn't tell them. I keep saying "Well, your love life is none of their business," but if I had a boyfriend, I'd be more open to bringing him around and letting them meet him. Why wouldn't I be that way with a woman?

Well, for one, I know they would be sitting there and thinking "This is the woman my daughter is having sex with... And she's older than both of us" which is just awkward for all parties involved. When I move out, I don't plan to ever really "hang out" with my parents like I do now. I don't think our work schedules will work out and... Well, I don't like to be around my mom more than necessary most days.

Maybe I just don't want to disappoint them. My parents have the most boring lives ever. They don't go out (largely due to my mom's EXTENSIVE paranoia, but that's another entry) and they spend all of their leisure time together, so they wouldn't be the person in their group of friends to have a daughter who is "different". I tell myself I don't care, but maybe I do. I just can't pick more than one reason to tell my parents that I'm in a relationship with a woman. I know they would be upset and it would change things between us, for the worst.

I'll just let them think I'm still single while I'm bumping pussies with my mature lover. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Currently a Mental Lesbian

2010-10-21T23:47:00.000-04:00

Me: "I wonder what Latina pussy tastes like..."
Friend: "Salsa."

I'm extremely curious about different pussy flavors. Since the semester started and I've fallen so madly in love with Dr. Sexy, I've been a mental lesbian. Not a heterosexual thought has entered my mind during masturbation. It makes me think about being with different women and how all of them would taste.

Though I'm not much of a fan of my own pussy juices (I have yet to even try a second taste test), I still have a completely open mind when it comes to the taste of potential lovers. I think about the progressive climax my lips and tongue have the ability to give a woman. I think about coming up from in between her legs with wet lips and a moistened chin. I think about how exciting it will be to receive what I've just given.

As of lately, I've attempted (and mostly succeeded) to restart my uninterested pussy with fantasies of oral sex and finger play with Dr. Sexy and various other sexy and mature women I tend to think about daily. My girl-on-woman fantasies are so different than my girl-on-male fantasies. They're so much more detailed and sensual. More whispering, kissing, and slow touching. The build up is always slow, but the orgasm is great.

Oh, sidenote, I have recently watched "Steel Magnolias". I've gone from never knowing it even existed, to watching it multiple times a day (thank you, satellite TV). That movie makes me soak my undies. Minus Dolly Parton (she's pretty terrifying), that dreadful Julia Roberts, and Sally Field, I'm pretty sure I would pay to have an orgy with Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis. I've even told myself that they have lesbian undertones in their friendship on screen, so that just further fuels my sexual fire. It's like fucking soft core porn. Between that and "Fatal Attraction" with Glenn Close, my heart just about explodes from the sexual desire.

Ugh, I'm pathetic. But, it's so funny, because I've always been this way. So curious about having sex with a woman, watching lesbian porn, and having girl/girl fantasies. I just never talked about it. It's so nice to be the honest and real sexual me.

Alright, my crotch is moist... I'm going to go masturbate.

My Pussy is Bored and UNhappy

2010-10-13T16:34:00.001-04:00

I'm a creature of habit. Seriously. I hate change and I'm satisfied with the same routine every single day. I've been this way since I was a little kid. I would make little routines for myself that I would always stick to. It makes me feel comfortable.

That being said... My pussy isn't very keen on routines. It's bored.... And unhappy. I don't know what I need to do in order to spice things up between us.

I got a glass dildo from the same awesome friend who sent me the rabbit. That, coupled with my Water Dancer, is absolutely fantastic most of the time, but not so much in recent days. After an orgasm, I always either feel satisfied or just ready to plunge in for another one. Lately, it's been very... "Meh". I mean, an orgasm is an orgasm and it's pleasurable enough, but I miss those mind-blowing, back-arching ones that left me doused in sweat and panting.

It's so funny, because at this point in my cycle, I'm sopping wet. It's fucking pussy juice galore in between my thighs right now. Normally, I take this chance to have as many orgasms as my fingers will allow. I spend hours circling my clit to reach an unattainable state of constant orgasmic ecstasy. I only wear underwear just so I can sniff them and revel in that delicious, sweet, and feminine scent that can't be duplicated in any other way. My love for my pussy is always passionately renewed mid-cycle.

I feel so apathetic towards my pussy right now, and it really makes me sad. I doubt I'll be able to experience this forever. I want to make excellent use of such sexual succulence while I can. My sexual balance has such an impact on how I feel and handle life in general. Stress from school is playing a large part in how I feel, but that normally just sends me into masturbation overdrive.

What can I do to reignite the spark between us? Do I take it out to dinner? Meditate? Go on another masturbatory hiatus and hope things pick up on their own? Force it and masturbate like I normally would? Maybe I need to be committed.

Okay, well, the latter is true, but not because of masturbation.

Where Do You Like It?

2010-10-06T16:54:00.003-04:00

I'm a Facebook junkie. I log on at least ten times a day. I use it as an escape and excuse to not do school work. I use it to catch up with friends, make witty status updates, and play bullshit games that are probably eating away at my hard drive as we speak.

I DON'T use it for feeble attempts at showing my "support" for a cause. Okay, I find humor in just about every facet of life. Really and truly. I'm not a prude and I'm completely inappropriate. But, what's going around on Facebook right now just moderately pisses me off.

I received a personal message from THREE people that said: "This year's game has to do with your handbag/purse, where we put our handbag the moment we get home for example "I like it on the couch", "I like it on the kitchen counter", "I like it on the dresser" well u get the idea. Just put your answer as your status with nothing more than that and cut n pastethis message and forward to all your FB female friends to their inbox. The bra game made it to the news. Let's see how powerful we women really are!!!" This is meant to show support for breast cancer.

Atrocious grammar aside... May I just give this idea a major WHAT THE FUCK? Besides the fact that this is fucking stupid, what the hell does this have to do with breast cancer support/research? Remember the bra shit last year (was it even a full year ago)? "Mine's blue!" What the fuck? Bitch, nobody cares about your titty tether and in no way is this helpful to the cause. Oh, and I LOLed at "The bra game made it to the news." Does that make it effective and worth it? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT THEY COVER ON THE NEWS?! Bitch, please.

How is this moving forward with awareness and support for breast cancer? It's definitely sexually suggestive. I guess it's meant to spark questions? Last year, I made a status that said something along the lines of "Check your tatas, ladies! Early detection saves lives!" I think that idea is better. It's getting the sincere message out there, but it's still not entirely too serious. Why can't we move into that direction? Oh, and last time I checked, men can get breast cancer, too. So, let's make this thing inclusive.

Honestly... It just makes women sound like tools. Seriously. That's the first thing I thought when I read the message. We sound like a bunch of dumbasses who are trying to be coy and cute. I'm all for "woman power," but this sure as fuck isn't it.

On the issue of breast cancer, if any effort is going to be made, let's make it useful, factual AND fun. Let's REALLY be supportive.

Post Secret!

2010-10-03T18:59:00.002-04:00

Just a Quick Note

2010-10-01T16:03:00.002-04:00

Dear Guy in the Gym Who Waved at Me From His Treadmill:

I appreciate the smile and wave. It was really sweet. You even took the work out bike next to me and kept glancing.

But, seriously? The gym is the WORST possible place to try to get my attention. Besides the fact that I'm so out of shape that I thought my legs would fall the fuck off after 40 minutes on a bike, but I'm sweaty, stinky, and very unkempt.

I'm not one of those bitches that wears a sports bra that shows off my specially sculpted abs. I'm not one of those bitches that turns on the treadmill and runs for sixty full minutes, with my ponytail cutely bouncing while I'm glistening with just the slightest bit of perspiration.

I'm one of those bitches who wears a hoodie and work out pants. I'm one of those bitches who wipes sweat from her forehead because it's getting in my eyes. I'm one of those bitches who would rather be at the fucking dentist that sweating on an elliptical.

So, you're sweet and I appreciate it... But, yeah... Not at the gym.

Love,
Bitch on the Bike Who is Sweaty and Full of Hatred

Tolerance

2010-10-01T01:34:00.004-04:00

There have been four teenage suicides in the past month. Apparently, they were driven to suicide because of ridicule for being gay. One of the people to die was a college freshman, named Tyler Clementi. His roommate and a friend actually taped him having a sexual encounter with another man and streamed it on the internet. Tyler jumped off the George Washington bridge.

I have tears in my eyes.

What world are we living in that we feel such a need to pick on people for their fucking sexuality so badly that they're driven to just end their lives? WHY isn't okay to be gay? HOW does being gay affect anyone but me and my partner? Do you know how absolutely low and hopeless you have to feel to just want to kill yourself? Don't even give me that "God hates gays" bullshit. God doesn't hate anyone. Seriously. Promise. Wait, okay. He'll likely be pretty pissed if you're a serial killer/serial rapist/anything of the sort. Like, REALLY pissed.

But, on a serious note, I read some of the comments about this issue, and I was shocked to see that so many were saying things like "He's just a kid who killed himself because he couldn't deal with a fucking college prank."

When the FUCK did invading someone's 100% private life become a prank? That is absolutely disgusting to me. I guess in a world of stupid celebrity sex tapes, this issue isn't "that serious." People need to realize that doing stupid shit like this just simply isn't funny. When I was in high school, people would always crack jokes about someone's weight or hair or clothes. It was "funny" to find a flaw and attack a person about it. I just never understood this logic.

Last year, when I was walking to my car from the first day of one of my classes (in the midst of what I thought was a massive cloud of depression), two girls followed me ALL the way out to my car, calling me names and laughing. On a normal day, yeah, it would have bothered me. Maybe I even would have cried. But, that day... A day that I felt so sad, so alone, and so hopeless... I thought about killing myself. They didn't know that I had been struggling to get out of bed everyday. They didn't know that I had turned to self-injuring to deal with everything. They didn't know that I had a bottle of antidepressants at home that just didn't seem to be working.

You NEVER know someone's story. You never know what someone is going through in their personal lives. How satisfying is it to make someone feel like complete shit for simply being who the fuck they are?

You know, it's not even about support. You don't have to like the fact that someone is gay. Feel free to harbor as much hate as you want. This is about TOLERANCE. Before you're black, white, skinny, fat, gay, or straight... You're a PERSON. A person with feelings and emotional pain. It's not about toughening up and "taking it". It's about needing people to just stop this all together.

Live and let live, man. I'm not trying to spread my happy hippie shit everywhere. I would love for everyone to love each other and get along and be naked and have sex with/love whoever they want (within reason). But, since that will never happen, my wish is just for acceptance and that we can all coexist. Hey, it's free and no one has to die to make it happen. America loves free shit, right?

My Mommy Issues

2010-09-25T04:53:00.000-04:00

We all have mommy issues, right? I'm sure they're much more personified if you're female.

I have been unhappy with the relationship with my mom for as long as I can remember. Not just unhappy, but really REALLY saddened by the way our relationship was/is/will always be. It's hard to stay mad at her, because I know it's not her fault. Having a severely damaging childhood can make you an even more severely damaged adult. Actually, I take it back... It's really easy to stay mad at her, but I know that I shouldn't, so I don't.

I remember, from the periods of sixth to seventh grade, I was getting "spanked" every week. The reasons varied, but it mostly revolved around me getting poor grades in math (which, to this day, I am still fucking retarded when it comes to mathematics) or getting in very minor trouble at school. I'm am avidly anti-spanking. I may dislike children and *think* (and sometimes talk) about throwing them into a wall, but I'll never hit a child. My mom used to hit me so hard, I would have bloody welts on my arms and be bruised for weeks. She even hit me in the head once. It wasn't on purpose, but I had a headache for several days after. I HATED her so much for that. It was unfair and too much. No one should have to experience that. I remember MW (yeah, we go waaaaay back) was sincerely worried about me. It always made me feel better to talk to someone about it, even if they couldn't relate.

It was when she would ask me "Where did those bruises come from?" that I realized that... She was either out of her monkey-ass mind, or... No, that's pretty much it. She must be fucking crazy. That's when I stopped understanding her, and just being scared of who she was. I would keep things from her, and flinch whenever ANYONE would make quick movements.

With all of that being said, I don't consider myself abused. I didn't overcome this massive struggle. I just consider myself damaged, just like anyone else. It bothers me a lot that my mom was the one to damage me. It really, truly eats me up that she was the one to fuck up my perception of how people should be treated.

Even though all of that happened, I still tried to get affection from her. I would try to talk to her, but she wouldn't open up with me. She's still like that, but she loves to say "You never talk to me." I always want to respond "...because you never listen..." But, whatever. It's just one of those things that won't ever change and I have to deal with that. She isn't a bad person. I just feel like we don't understand each other, and she probably should have rethought some parenting tactics. It's like we're a mismatched mother and daughter.

So, with all of that being said, I'm 100% positive that my love for mature women is because of the shitastic relationship that I have with her. I don't know why it translated into something sexual, though. I do find that a bit odd... But, there's not denying it. I find mature women more appealing than men. That's pretty twisted, right?

Present day, she's on a whole slew of medications (at least ten) and she has started experiencing short term memory loss. I mostly just feel sorry for her, because I know we'll both go to our graves with a million unsaid words and having the exact relationship she never wanted us to have.

Well, this is the most depressing entry to date. Talk about getting up close and personal.

Confessions of a Labor and Delivery Nurse

2010-09-16T21:27:00.008-04:00

My friend linked me to this. When I graduate with my nursing degree, I'll be working in labor and delivery. This article almost makes me embarrassed. My commentary is in italics:

A friend of mine lives on the East Coast (which happens to be where I live. Dammit) and is a proud labor and delivery nurse. When I asked her to spill some details, she happily said yes ... on one condition. She wants to be known simply as "Laborie Delivia."

Ms. Delivia dished about about what she and her colleagues talk about, some pet peeves, and what women should know before walking in the labor and delivery ward in their hospital. For some insider tips, read on.

Bathe: When your labor is a surprise, of course it's expected that you drop everything and just show up to the hospital. But, it's really gross when people show up to a schedule induction or c-section without bathing. This happens more often than you would think and they all can tell.

Okay, I can understand that. Bathing is pretty essential. I expect that of ANYONE, not just women who are having babies.

Grooming is essential: Trim downstairs ladies. They like it. There are some people who are overgrown and it's just not as clean of an experience for all involved.

Grooming is NOT essential. One commenter said "I'll trim when they pay for my professional wax. Are you kidding me? I'm having a BABY- not asking you to give me oral sex. How shallow!" I couldn't agree more. You're a fucking NURSE. This not about YOUR comfort with the situation in any way. You do what you can to accommodate the patient and make the birthing process as seamless as possible. I am dumbfounded that an actual RN has the nerve to complain about PUBIC HAIR. The stuff is supposed to be there. If she so decides to let it grow wild and free, then that is her prerogative and right on.

Be strong: When women ask for an epidural after they are only one centimeter dilated, the nurses think you are wimpy. They are nice about it, but secretly they are rolling their eyes. (P.S. I asked for an epidural super early the first time I gave birth and I plan to do it again. They can roll their eyes all they want.)

Fuck you, you entitled-ass bitch. Are you paying my motherfucking hospital bills? Hell-to-the-fucking NO, you're not. I honestly don't know what this woman's problem is. I have never had a baby, so I don't know the pain. But, I've had some menstrual cramps that almost made me pass out, and you can bet your fucking ass I'd take an epidural at the first sign of pain. As soon as it's physically (and safely) possible, I don't see a problem with a woman requesting an epidural. Last I checked, labor is progressive. It doesn't "get better" as time goes on. It hurts, and it's going to continue to hurt until you have the damn kid... And then some more until you pass the placenta. Fuck her and her rolling eyes. Roll them all you fucking want to, as long as you're paging an anesthesiologist. I don't have shit to prove to you.

Be educated. Would you run a marathon without training? No. Labor is like running one, so prepare. Laborie hates it when people have a plan in their mind about how they want things to go, but it's unrealistic. It makes everyone's experience more difficult.

I wonder what "unrealistic" means to her. I'm thinking it means anything that isn't in HER plan for the patient. As a nurse, you've seen several births and you have a roundabout idea of how things will go. As a WOMAN, however, you have experienced no such thing, especially if this is your first child. It's expected that you'll be at least moderately naive to the entire situation, because you've never experienced it before. I mean, I know women read and watch videos, but they are rarely a carbon copy of how YOUR birthing experience will go. Making a plan that you feel will work for you (even if it's totally ridiculous and far-fetched) doesn't make you stupid. This is uncharted territory. I'd rather a woman come in with an outrageous birth plan that she's thought through than being completely ignorant to the entire situation of childbirth itself. But, again, it's not about what I want.

She may sound harsh, but at least she was being honest. If you have any questions for Laborie Delivia, she assured me she's ready and willing to answer them, so let me know in the comments and I'll ask her.

She doesn't just sound harsh. She sounds like a rude and judgmental bitch. I pray that this is made up, because I am in shock that a nurse would divulge such petty details of her job to someone. She gets a MAJOR VirginMonoblogger "FUCK YOU" for this bullshit.

I'm seething. I'm going to go masturbate.

The Phone Call

2010-09-14T16:47:00.002-04:00

I was having some issues accessing some things in my anatomy class, so I emailed my instructor. You know... The one who makes me cream my undies on the regular? Yeah. Her.

So, I'm on the phone with my best friend and my other line beeps. I didn't recognize the number, but I normally answer it regardless. So, I click over, say hello... And what do I hear?

"Hey! It's the infamous Dr. [Sexy]! I called to help you." I gasped.

It's HER! She CALLED! So, I send my best friend an instant message that read "HOLY SHIT! IT'S HER!" and I tried to quickly collect myself.

We talked about how to fix the technological problems. I was saying how I could figure it out, and it wasn't necessarily urgent that I view the page that wasn't opening, but she said "No, I want to you to see it. It's the shiznit." It was so funny and so cute. I actually responded, while laughing, "Oh, I love you! You're so awesome."

I told the woman that I love her. I'm sure she didn't take it in a serious way, even if the feelings behind my statement were moderately serious. At the beginning of the class, we gave her our phone numbers since we don't ever see her in person, but I never thought she would actually call me... Without prior notice. It was a very much welcomed surprise, but I wish I had better prepared myself.

Before we hung up, she said "Well, I'm happy I could brighten your day". She totally did. A teacher that cares enough to actually CALL and walk you through technical difficulties? I've had teachers who CAUSE the technical difficulties and still leave you in the dark. So, she's funny, cute, intelligent, AND caring? She must be a serial killer, because she seems almost too perfect.

Glenn should be shaking in her boots, because Dr. Sexy is at a very close second.

"I'm in My Lady Power"

2010-09-12T01:08:00.003-04:00

I never knew Jane Lynch was so fucking awesome. I love how honest she is. Right on.

And yeah... I'd fuck her. She's a lesbian, so I totally have a chance.

Men Can Stop Rape

2010-09-09T15:05:00.001-04:00

My New Female Love Interest

2010-09-05T19:44:00.009-04:00

I don't really know when Glenn Close is coming to get me, but I think I may have fallen in love with another.

Well, Glenn is still top notch, but I'm not dealing well with... You know... The slight possibility that we may never have sex. I mean, I think I may actually have to come to terms with that. Ow. My heart hurts.

So, anyway, I'm almost positive I'm deeply in (sexual) love with my anatomy professor. I love a smart mature woman, and this bitch is an MD. I see that I do develop crushes, but not on men. I only develop mature women crushes... Or at least I think they're crushes, anyway. Is wanting to move in with a woman and have a romantic and deeply sexual relationship with her called "a crush"? No, I think most people would just call that "psychotic". Well, fuck most people.

Anyway, I relayed these feelings to my best friend, and she told me that I should go all astronaut lady, get some adult diapers, and drive down to her house without stopping. I show up at her door, tell her that I'm there to fuck her, and she is completely cool about it and we... You know... Do it. It's a fully online course and she doesn't live here (she doesn't live in this state, actually), which is probably a good thing, because I would be the most annoying student ever. I would be all up in her business... And by "business", I mean her pussy.

My friend also told me that, if I would just have sex (with a guy), I wouldn't be so hot for sex with women. I don't think so, because when I masturbate, I envision a woman holding the dildo/wielding the strap-on more often than I envision getting fucking by a hard dick. I feel like I could do without dick, but I wouldn't feel quite happy until I try sex with a woman. Ha, like a lesbian diet but I let myself cheat with a little dick on the side.

If she wasn't so incredibly intelligent, I wouldn't like her. If she didn't have the cutest Southern accent, I wouldn't like her. If she and I didn't relate on so many levels (and by "so many", I mean like, two), I wouldn't like her. But she is, she does, and we do, and I absolutely adore her. If she had all of those qualities and she was twenty-five, there wouldn't be as much attraction.

The chances of me rubbing tacos with my anatomy instructor are probably about the exact same chances of me getting fingered by Glenn, but that won't exactly keep me from adding her (or both of them) to my favorite fantasies.

I am completely smitten.

Post Secret!

2010-09-05T08:51:00.001-04:00

Fucking for Money

2010-09-01T13:45:00.004-04:00

God, I fail so hard at blogging. Writer's block coupled with bullshit classes that require more work than they're worth makes blogging pretty much impossible.

So, Laurence Fishburne's daughter has been everywhere because she's been posing nude and has done some porn. I've seen the pictures and a ten minute clip of the porn, and I mean... Meh. It's not my cup of tea. Just some vaginal/oral/cumshot stuff. You know... The usual. Sidenote: She has GREAT teeth.

The thing that gets me is how people are all "She's so young! She's throwing her life away!" Okay, number one... Bitch is nineteen. She is a full-fledged adult and she can do what she wants. But that is completely besides the point.

How is fucking for money "throwing your life away"? Why is it so low to be paid for sex? Is it because she isn't using her intelligence? Well, if she was working at McDonald's or stocking shelves at a grocery store, she wouldn't be using much brain juice, either. Those job choices are more "acceptable" because she has her clothes on, though? What harm are you causing to other people when you bounce up and down on some dick and take a paycheck home at the end of the day? I mean, I guess if you were spreading HIV around like the common cold, then it could be a problem.

Another problem I have is that her choices are so frowned upon because she's a well known actor's daughter. If she was just another girl on a porn site, people would be masturbating to their hearts' content. But, since her daddy is famous, this case is "so unfortunate". Yeah, she had her foot in the door for an acting or singing career, and maybe she could have gotten accepted to an amazing prestigious college, but she likes sex and she wants to be paid for it. Right on.

Like A LOT of people, I like porn. Granted, most porn I watch has women over 40, but it's porn, nonetheless. I'm never sitting there thinking "God, I bet she is so smart... What a waste". No, I'm watching it because I want to have an orgasm. That's what people do. Why is it that, because she's a famous "teenager", it's an unfortunate case and she's lacking guidance? The main ones putting her down are probably the ones with their hands down their pants while watching.

So, I hope Montana Fishburne keeps doing her thing. The media has yet to deter her from taking off her clothes in the limelight. If she realizes that negative publicity will always yield some positive publicity, then she isn't as dumb as people are taking her for.

Post Secret!

2010-08-29T07:13:00.002-04:00

Trust in Relationships

2010-08-25T05:16:00.000-04:00

You know I am (currently) absolutely and completely anti-relationships.

One of the BIGGEST things that pisses me off is snooping. Seriously.

I was on a message board with a bunch of other women. One of them signed on to her boyfriend's Myspace account and read his messages. Keep in mind, she had been asking him to knock her up for a while by this point, so I'd think that their relationship was past the point of Myspace checkage. Anyway, she finds out that he has been talking to some girl. She called him hot, he called her hot. Blah blah.

She was all upset about it and yelled at him and they broke up for about ten minutes.

Now, here's MY issue with snooping... You're wanting to find bad news. If not, you would live in happy ignorance for the duration of your relationship. But, no. You're going OUT OF YOUR WAY to find something that could potentially tarnish everything you've worked towards. It just irritates me when girls act so offended when they find something. What was the point of looking?

Bottom line, he is a person before he is your boyfriend. That being said, he's going to find other women sexy/attractive. Believe that "I only have eyes for you, dear" bullshit if you want to. I just can't find a problem with telling a girl that she's hot/pretty/sexy. It's not like women don't say the same thing about men; it's just that most of us take care not to leave written or pictorial proof around to say that we've done it.

I honestly think that, if you feel the need to look through his things for "clues" that he's doing something that he shouldn't, then both of you shouldn't be together. I don't know about other places, but women around my area are unnecessarily possessive. They feel like, once they "claim" a boy/man, he is theirs in every and all aspects. Well, again, he is still a person. WHY are women like that. It makes my fucking head want to explode. If you're not confident enough in your relationship with him, then move the fuck on. It can't be fun or constructive to always be asking "Who was THAT bitch you were talking to?" or "What were you doing between 5 and 5:02 pm?! WHO WERE YOU WITH?!"

With all of that being said, I wouldn't ever enter a relationship with blinders on, but I just genuinely have a hard time believing most men (and some women) are going to stay faithful to their partners; and even if they are, I have a hard time believing that they'll always be happy. I feel like society needs to change gears and make poly relationships the norm, and monogamous ones few and far between; or at least make them both equally acceptable. I also feel like people need to stop equating sex with love. You can definitely have one without the other. Out of the (at least) twenty girls that are pregnant/got pregnant since we graduated, I can count on ONE HAND the ones that are still with their baby's fathers. I read a quote somewhere that said "Sex won't make him love you, and a baby won't make him stay." I couldn't agree more. Girls are just so conditioned to find a life partner. It's like a fucking race to the grave hand in hand with a guy.

I don't believe that there is a Mister Right. Not for me, anyway. I believe that there are MANY Mister (or Miss) Right Nows. I don't expect any future relationships that I get in to last forever, and I'm not going to spend more time trying to fix it than I am enjoying it. No, I'm not putting a wall up or setting myself up for failed relationships, but I just can't see myself investing my everything into a man (or woman) who isn't going to give me the same thing back. Why should I want to make it work?

I don't know. I feel like I sound like a bitch who was bruised by a bad relationship, or I'm too scared to be hurt. Not hardly. I just think I'm missing that part in my brain that craves the long term love and companionship of another person. I wonder if I'll ever change my mind...

Clitter, Bitches

2010-08-20T07:21:00.001-04:00

Dr. Laura Says the "N-Word"... and Then Resigns

2010-08-20T00:18:00.004-04:00

Okay, so... Have you heard about Dr. Laura Schlessinger (try saying that shit with retainers in your mouth) "spewing" the word "nigger" on her radio show? No? Well, CLICK HERE to listen to the dialogue, plus you can read the transcript of the conversation.

I'm black, and I don't use the word. I just don't see a reason for it. It's one of those things that never comes up in any situation. It makes me uncomfortable (but it doesn't offend me) to hear anyone say it, no matter what their skin color is.

For of all, let me just say that I think it's TOTAL bullshit that "black people can use it, but white people can't." Why is that? When did we start staking claims on WORDS? Besides that, I don't identify myself as a "nigger". No one is going to tell me who or what the fuck I am. That's the problem: by using the word, and telling white people that they can't, some black people are claiming that title. "I can say it, but you can't, because I am one. You're not." So, if YOU'RE saying that you're a nigger (or nigga), why can't people call you one? I claim to be black. I'm not offended when someone calls me black. It's a fact, right? Own that shit. It doesn't magically turn derogatory just because a person of another color uttered it. It's derogatory no matter WHO says it.

We've all heard a black person say something along the lines of "You're my nigga" as a synonym for "You're my friend". How is it that when a black person says it, it's actually POSITIVE, but when a white person says it, they're total racists? Is it the delivery? If I say "You are a dumb ass and you should have been aborted," is it received better if I say it while laughing and jostling you? No? Probably because it's downright mean and something that you just don't say. Stop that shit. NO ONE should be saying that word. It's just mean, ignorant, and completely unnecessary.

So, when I heard Dr. Laura say it... I honestly wasn't offended. I actually laughed, because the entire conversation was completely ridiculous. I do think the caller was being hypersensitive to the jokes said by her husbands family and friends, but her feelings didn't have to be discounted, just because Dr. Laura had a difference of opinion. Her feelings still matter. She has every right to be hurt by something like that being said, and I can understand how irritating it would be to constantly hear racial jokes.

Dr. Laura continues the conversation and ends up saying the word SEVERAL times. She then said " I didn't call anybody a nigger." Right. She didn't. BUT, she still said the word. To me, it doesn't matter what context it's used in... It's just one of those things that shouldn't be said, under any circumstance, ever. Not even to prove a point. That's one of those things (like the word "cunt") that isn't widely accepted by most people, so it's just best left unsaid. But, whatever. She's free to say what she wants, when she wants.

But then she RESIGNS. What.The.Hell. You weren't the least bit apologetic when you said the word several times (and she didn't have to be apologetic), but now you're sorry and you're leaving radio? What, because you received some emails from people that said that they wouldn't be tuning in anymore? Because sponsors starting dropping your ass like a hot potato? No, she claims she's leaving so she can exercise "free speech". ISN'T THAT WHAT SHE DID?! She wants to say what's on her mind without someone getting angry. Sorry, that is NOT how it works. That's fucking LIFE, dude. People are going to disagree with you and get pissed off. Oh-fucking-well. You still stand behind your point of view, even if it's amazingly wrong in the eyes of other people.

Come ON. I see Dr. Laura as a person who is extremely abrasive and sometimes completely tactless, and it's beyond me why anyone would call in to seek advice from her, but it is what it is. To me, this little tirade wasn't necessarily out of character for her. She says what's on her mind, whether she thinks people will agree with it or not. I guess she feels like she took things "too far" this time?

No, I don't think she's racist or prejudiced. I think she used poor judgment when choosing a way to try to make a point (and this isn't the first time that I feel this way about something she's said). I don't think it's something she should resign over. An apology is more than enough, even though I wonder if she's really sorry for saying it. She's probably just sorry because of the way it was received, but then again... Bad reception is one of the number one reasons to apologize for saying something.

So, yes. I wasn't a fan of Dr. Laura before this, and I can't say that I'll miss her much after. I just think it's a bitch move for her to pack her toys and go home just because people are upset about what she had to say.

My House of Sex

2010-08-16T21:28:00.003-04:00

I know how I want to live the rest of my life.

I want a house of sex.

My best friend actually thought of it. I, another woman, and two men live in a house. We have jobs and friends and family, but we're all amazingly sexually compatible and we just partake in sex with each other. We just "happened upon" each other, because that's how fate works, you know. Man/woman sex, woman/woman sex, and even man/man sex, mutual masturbation. Anything goes. We would have a chamber of sexy secrets.

We would walk around naked. We would have an excess of "herbal refreshment". We touch each other all the time. No place or time is off limits for sex. Incense and the smell of essential oils would fill the air, making the entire aura of our house completely calm. No one is overly possessive or jealous. We have a mutual understanding of our relationships. We know everything about each other. We cry, laugh, and drink together. We grow old together, celebrating birthdays and holidays with multiple orgasms and household orgies. We wouldn't ever add anyone to our house permanently, but would accept temporary and willing participants. Yes... We are snooty sex bitches. And of course, in my amazing Utopian world, pregnancy and disease wouldn't be a problem.

I don't think I could explain the awesomeness of this scenario. It would be like being in a committed relationship, but with complete sexual and emotional freedom. I don't think it would be widely accepted by my friends, and definitely not my parents. But, I mean... When you're having endless orgasms from a dick that seems like it was MADE for your pussy, not much else matters.

Would it even be possible to have extended sexual relationships like this without everyone falling madly in love, thus complicating things beyond repair? I'd like to think so. There are other individuals like me who honestly just want the sex without the commitment, right? Well, if Glenn Close never calls, my House of Sex will be my back up.

Regretsy

2010-08-16T21:07:00.002-04:00

www.regretsy.com is site that posts some of the... Not-so-awesome things sold on etsy. Personally, this has been my favorite so far.

Post Secret

2010-08-15T06:08:00.002-04:00

"My Worth is NOT Attached to my Vagina"

2010-08-11T05:14:00.010-04:00

My best friend linked me to this. I didn't change anything except taking out the asterisks for certain words. I don't commonly visit this site, but this is especially interesting to me:

"I’ve never subscribed to the notion that pussy is the most sacred gift I can give a man. I reserve that for my heart and my mind. – Joan Morgan

That quote is how I live my life.

I sleep with a man for no other reason then I want to. It’s not any more complicated than that. I’m not fretting over when is a good time to sleep with a man. I’m not worrying on whether he will call me the next day. My sexual activity is solely based on what I want and when I want it.

Too often, women adhere to sexual mores dictated by everyone but the person who really matters; themselves.

Here’s the deal: No one knows what’s best for you and your sex life than you do. If you feel you should wait until marriage before you have sex – great. If all you want to do is jump his bones and figure out the rest later – go for it. If you want to apply a 30, 60 or 90 day rule to the men you meet – that’s fabulous too. The point is, no one and I mean NO ONE is in a position to tell you how to live your sex life other than you.

From the time we’re little girls, us ladies get the message that out goodies are a gift to bestow upon some deserving man. The problem with this message is that it sets up a market economy for coochie. Instead of sex being about your pleasure and desire, it becomes solely about someone else’s pleasure and desire. Never in any of the conversations most young girls receive about sex are their needs desire and pleasure ever mentioned. Our sex is not our own. It’s to be guarded by family (mother and father) and then placed in our ownership just long enough to give to someone else.

Really?

Am I the only one who thinks that’s really screwed up?

So with the message being our goodies are precious and the sum of our worth, women start bargaining with their lady parts. “If he does x, y and z, then I will give him some”. “Oh, he seems like a really nice guy – let me give him some”. “He’s given me this gold ring – he’s worthy of getting some now”. Sadly, this message of pussy as “the greatest gift,” sets women up to be judged by how often she’s given it away.

The infamous “how many people have you slept with” question can send an otherwise confident, intelligent woman into waves of shame for fear her “numbers” may be too high. Other women wave their numbers around as a badge of honor to show how worthy they are for love, dating and marriage. All of this sets women up for a lifetime of shame, regret and loss as there is really no “winning” this game. Even virgins who are so lauded for their restraint can find themselves on the down side of the goodies-o-meter if it’s determined that she may not be as pure as she seems.

So sorry for those who believe otherwise, but my worth is not attached to my vagina. Contrary to popular belief, sex is not the greatest gift I can give a man. My heart, my mind, hell…my time…are worth a lot more and a lot harder to gain access to than what’s between my legs. I am a sexual being. When the mood strikes, I answer. My desire is my own – no one else’s. If I sleep with a man and he doesn’t call…screw him…his loss. If a man has been great to me, but I’m not feeling him like that than…sorry! no goodies for you. If a man wants to take issue about who I’ve slept with in the past, he can keep it stepping…I’m making no apologies or repenting to anyone.

It’s time for women to take charge of their sex lives. Stop letting other people define who you are and how you should live your life. Make the decisions that are best for you and only you. Then, and only then, will you have a fulfilling and satisfying love life." -written by T.S Johnson.

The comments varied from total agreeance to utter disgust. Some people think she has no morals. Others think that, since she didn't discuss protection, she isn't using it. Morals aren't concrete. YOU get to decide what yours are. You decide your limits and boundaries. I have mixed feelings about the article as a whole, but I DO agree with her overall idea: My worth is not attached to my vagina.

Post Secret!

2010-08-08T01:56:00.003-04:00

The Pros and Cons of Big Boobs

2010-08-06T19:07:00.002-04:00

I've talked about my boobs before. My friends tend to think that having big boobs would be the best thing ever. True, there are some major positives of having some bodacious tatas, but there are some negatives, too. So, dammit, I decided to make a list.

The PROS of having big boobs:
-Most shirts are going to look fantastic on you.
-When you're eating something, like dry cereal or pretzels, your boobs act as a great receptacle for crumbs and dropped pieces.
-You're pretty much guaranteed to be the life of a pool party if you're going to be wearing a bathing suit.
-Some days, you'll look down on your normal-chested friends because your boobs are looking abnormally amazing.
-People will compliment you on how great they look, and talk about how jealous they are. You'll smile coyly and compliment their shoes or something, but deep inside... You know that you love your boobs... Today, at least.
-Men love boobs. Enough said.

The CONS of having big boobs:
-Some shirts are either a: not going to fit correctly, or b: going to make you look like a slutty whore who is trying way too hard to get attention. But, I mean, hey... That can be a plus.
-Two words: Cleavage. Sweat.
-When you lay down without a bra on, things tend to spread out and fall back.
-You find things nestled in your cleavage, and you don't even know how they got there. i.e confetti, sprinkles, and/or small children.
-"Oh my god! I can fit my FACE into one cup of your bra!... Let's fill it with vodka."
-Forget about graphic tees. You're just giving people an excuse to stare (longer) at those bitches.
-Oh, you're pregnant? Well, be ready for those balloons to turn into blimps.
-You'll become unusually defensive toward those women who offer you a "free bra fitting".
-Sports bra? Bitch, you're going need actual titty equipment if you plan on going for a run. If not, you are becoming a danger to yourself and others around you. Also, jumping jacks can be used as a self defense move.
-Gravity is not your friend. When Ron Jeremy told the joke "What's the hair called between your grandmother's boobs? Her vagina", you didn't laugh. You took it as a forewarning of the inevitable.
-"SHOW US YOUR BOOOOOOBS!!!!" is going to be said more than your name at ANY party that you attend, whether people are sober or not.
-Motor-boating is going to become an actual (drunken) sport that people are going to beg you to take part in, but sometimes... They won't even ask.

Well, it seems like the cons outweigh the pros, but just about half of those negatives can BE positive things. These were mostly meant to give you a little chuckle, but take all things said with just a pinch of seriousness. ;)

Cyanide & Happiness

2010-08-02T18:54:00.015-04:00

I loved these comics when I was in high school. I just got back into reading them. I got a good laugh at this one. It's distorted because I had to resize it. Click it and it'll show you the bigger picture.

Queefing

2010-08-01T23:32:00.006-04:00

I don't know if I need to invest in a new Diva Cup or what, but I went swimming yesterday (during which I was mostly sober and had random people squeezing my sore boobs) and when I removed my cup, it was filled halfway with pinkish water from the pool and light menstrual spotting. I wasn't sure if I would start bleeding or not, so I just inserted it just in case. Excessive movement shouldn't be breaking the seal, right? What if I had fallen asleep and not removed it until the next morning? I'm sure chlorinated water shouldn't be left in your vagina for excessive amounts of time. I had lost my cup for a couple of days... Maybe that was a sign that it's time for a new one.

I have had a very noisy pussy for the past couple of days, too. I started full on bleeding this morning. Before I go on, let me just say... At my next gynecologist appointment, we'll be discussing something for pain management. My cramps are getting worse every month, and I can't exactly orgasm them away when I'm sitting in class. It's getting a little ridiculous.

Anyway, I have been expelling an alarming number of queefs. Not those silent and pleasurable little puffs of air that hit my clit when I close my legs, but the full on loud queefs that sound like a fart. Like a lot of other women, I'm really gassy during my period. I don't want to add "unnecessary loud queefing" to my list of menstrual symptoms. I would like the air expulsion from my body to at least be voluntary.

It's just a tad bit awkward to be talking to someone and laugh/cough/sneeze and hear a "PFFFT!!!... pft" coming from my crotch. What do you do, then? Pretend it didn't happen? Laugh and blame my noisy pussy? Let them know that the look of surprise on my face is totally genuine and that I didn't expect that to happen? I refuse to say "excuse me" just because my pussy feels like being an asshole (in all meanings of the word).

I can't queef even if I try... And yes, I have tried. I've seen girls that can rock back and forth and do it continuously and some girls claim that they've never done it. Well, dammit, I wish my pussy would stop. It's not cute, it's not fun, and it's just ridiculous. I feel like I should punish my pussy for being so embarrassing.

Oh, and Fun Fact: There is a such thing as a queefing fetish. I have seriously heard it all.

My Deep Pussy

2010-07-29T00:15:00.007-04:00

Guys... I have a confession to make: I (according to The Amazing Dr. G) have a deep pussy. I talked about it a little in this entry.

I accompanied a friend to her very first gynecologist appointment yesterday. It was such an adventure. She had to pee in a cup and she couldn't... So, we pissed away (hah) a half hour of me cracking jokes, playing zen raindrop sounds on my iPod, and telling her if she didn't fucking piss soon, I would take the cup in the bathroom my damn self and handle business. She finally peed and went into the room to get her pap smear. She comes out, and while we're leaving, she tells me "Oh, yeah. She used a pediatric speculum since I'm a virgin." Oh? Did she, now?

I was a little embarrassed to hear that, because at my last gynecologist appointment, she actually asked the nurse if they had a longer speculum. Really, Dr. G? A LONGER one? She might as well just have said "Damn, bitch! Your snatch is like a fucking tunnel! ::starts yodeling into my pussy and hears an echo::".

On the drive home, I thought about it. I have the amazing ability to over-think things and concoct complete bullshit scenarios that can never come true, but I still believe them. Is my pussy the long and narrow opposite of my short and fat feet? I can stick my middle finger in and touch the tip of my cervix. That's normal. What the fuck is wrong with my pussy? Then, I remembered: When you're sexually aroused, the vagina elongates, and the cervix sits higher. Dr. G probably thought I was totally horny. Nice.

I don't know. I suppose it shouldn't bother me, since well... There isn't really anything I can do. Kegels won't shorten your vagina, and I don't have much of a problem with tightness. Fuck that speculum.

I'll find a dick that's perfect for my tunnel snatch.

Interracial Relationships

2010-07-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

I was talking to a friend today, and asked her opinion on interracial relationships. She said that she thought they were fine and didn't see a problem with them. I then asked her if she would ever date a black man. I was actually surprised that she said no. I wasn't offended. Just a little shocked that she didn't think it was a possibility.

When I asked her why, she said the patented "I wouldn't want our kids to go through ridicule or anything." That is the number one excuse I hear from people around here when it comes to interracial dating. Honestly, I would rather someone say "I just think black people are ugly" than that bullshit, because it's untrue. I've lived here for all twenty years of my life. I have always attended a public school. I can also always remember having someone of a mixed racial background in my classes. I can't, however, remember anyone picking on them because they were more lightly complected that the average black person. WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN?! I asked her, and she said "Well, I haven't seen it, but I've heard stories about mixed kids being picked on." ...really? Stop it. Kids will be kids. You could be the most beautiful and flawless child ever, and someone is going to pick on you. Skin color, especially in fucking 2010, isn't one of those things that they're going to choose as your "flaw".

One thing I've noticed, especially here, is that the DARKER you are, the bigger chance you have of being picked on. Lighter skinned girls are often considered prettier. I'm neither dark nor light, so I haven't really seen either end of the spectrum. If you're lighter, you're exotic. Throw in some "good hair" with that, and you are a top notch bitch. A dark skinned girl doesn't normally have such luck. I remember when I was a freshman in high school, and there was a darker skinned girl in my science class. One of the guys are touching her neck and she turned around and hit him (rightfully so), and he said to our teacher "Get this black beast off of me!" He was also black, just a lighter flavor. That's the first place people always go if you're darker skinned. "She's cute for a dark skinned girl", like it's some physical handicap that you're coping with well.

Anyway, my friend eventually admitted that black men just don't "do it for her", meaning she just isn't attracted to black people. Fine. That's also something I've heard. I don't think I could ever discount an entire group of people when it comes to possible partners, but if she does, then that's entirely her prerogative. I just hate that she didn't really want to "look bad", so she passed it off on not wanting her kids to have to suffer the woes of being light skinned, like it was some time of noble decision she was making.

She started to get upset and emotional... I'm not really sure why.. I guess it's always hard to have your beliefs challenged. We eventually ended the discussion and moved to something else. I don't know. I guess she was trying to avoid offending me. She knows who I am. I'm not the type of person to be easily "offended" by anything racial. It was just an interesting topic to talk about with someone who had a different opinion.

Whatever, dude. We all have our prejudices, right? We also always have exceptions to our prejudices. I hope that, if she finds someone with every possible trait that she loves, their skin color won't matter.

Thinking Off

2010-07-18T22:38:00.005-04:00

I'm watching another "Strange Sex" documentary. It wasn't as interesting as the last one I saw, and I was switching back and forth, but I caught an amazingly interesting segment with a woman who made me think of Betty Dodson.

Barbara Carellas assists people in reaching orgasm. Not through genital stimulation, though. They achieve orgasm through their mind. She calls it "thinking off", which is a play off of "jacking/jilling off", I'd assume. Some people call it an "energy orgasm". Nonetheless, no genital touching is done to make you come.

The camera taped her having one of these orgasms. She was fully clothed and squirming around on the floor, moaning, arching her back, and trembling. She was INCREDIBLY vocal and ended the energy orgasm laughing hysterically and moaning loudly. From afar, it seemed fun and pleasurable. She says that some people can have an orgasm from thinking about fantasy, and with others, it's just with breathing and movement of energy.

She actually does workshops where people lay on the floor and experience these thinking orgasms. It's almost like tantric yoga. They would lay on mats, with their eyes closed, and she would talk them through to their orgasm. There were different reactions with the five or six people in the workshops. Some were moaning and moving a lot, others were just breathing deeply with minimal movement. It varied from person to person, just like genital orgasms do.

She went to a laboratory where they monitored her brain activity during these thinking orgasms. Apparently, she is, indeed, experiencing an orgasm comparable to a genital orgasm. Barbara thinks this could change the entire idea of orgasms for so many people. People who have experienced genital mutilation or people who are intersexed or even people who think they can't orgasm at all can learn to have an orgasm with no genital touching.

I've heard of this before. People being able to come without touching themselves. I even tried it a few times. Maybe I didn't do it right. I mean, I got wet and turned on, but I also got frustrated. When I masturbate, the ultimate goal is an orgasm. I never really have a problem getting there and I'm almost always satisfied. I wonder if it would be the same way with a mental orgasm. I would love to experience it, to really see if I'm "capable" of coming without touching myself.

I still question it, though. I often compare other pleasurable things in my life with an orgasm. If I eat something that's good, but not amazing, I'll say something like "It's okay, but I'm not having a foodgasm or anything". Orgasms are the pinnacle of extreme pleasure and there's nothing like it. Could I achieve that without touching my clitoris? I guess I'd say I'm doubtful, but open.

What Color Would Your Dress Be?

2010-07-18T13:37:00.005-04:00

Last night (or, this morning), I was watching some really shitty stand up with Martin Lawrence. I don't think he's very funny, but nothing else was on at 3am, so I watched.

Well, he pissed me off before I was twenty minutes in, by comparing all women's pussies to cars and how they need to be "test driven" before marriage. While I'm normally a very literal person, I can appreciate a good simile or metaphor. That just wasn't a good one.

So, he talked about the color that women choose for their wedding dresses, and how it's always white. We all know that white is supposed to represent purity. He thinks that some women should be choosing darker colors. Why? Because if your dress color represents your "sexual history", white shouldn't be the choice for most women.

Before I realized that I don't want to get married for quite a while, if at all, I thought a lot about my wedding dress. I was unsure about the design, but I knew I wanted the whitest dress possible. Of course, my mom completely agreed. I wanted to show people that there were still girls that had "values" and I would make it a point to tell people that I had saved myself, completely, for my husband. I would have my first kiss with him, in that dress. It would be perfect, spiritual, and innocent.

...clearly, that ship has sailed... Hell, it fucking hit an iceberg and exploded.

Then I started thinking: What if I got married tomorrow? What color should my dress be by his standards? I'm hardly a "whore", but I'm not completely and totally pure, either. So, a cream color? Or beige, which looks like dirty white? Since, I mean, I'm a dirty virgin, right? What about girls who lost their virginity to their husbands? Does that make a difference? Or, what about girls who fuck for money? Should theirs be green? Then there are the girls who had massive amounts of sex with different people, simply because they wanted to. I guess black is the only option for them. Such shameful human beings they are.

Then I thought about it... WHY is it ANYONE'S business who I've fucked? Why would anyone care? How will your life change if I give you a list of all sexual things I've done in my life? The thought process behind the color of a dress a woman wears is so archaic and unfair. I can't believe I actually entertained the idea of notifying people of my "level of purity". How degrading.

So, I'm making it a point to ask the different women in my life what color their wedding dresses would be if they lived by the purity code. I can bet a large amount of money that the majority of the responses won't be "white".

"You're Just Confused"

2010-07-14T18:08:00.004-04:00

Question. Is bisexuality real? Or, deep down, are you definitely gay or straight? Can you really like both?

My second question is... Does sexual preference (or orientation or sexuality or whatever word) refer to JUST sex, or romance? Like "Oh, I like to make out/have sex with women, but I only want a relationship with a man." That sounds a bit greedy, I suppose.

Anyway, when I was in high school, I had an older teacher that I got really close to. I know what you're thinking, but no... I didn't want to fuck her. She was seriously like the mom I never had, but always needed. Anyway, we frequently emailed after I graduated, but we stopped talking several months ago. She then emailed me and asked me for some updates about my life. Well, considering I'm the most boring person ever, I didn't have much to say, but I told her about the sexual changes I was experiencing and how it was a big transition and a lot to handle sometimes.

Her response? "You're just confused. Just look to God and He'll guide you."

::sigh::

I forgot that she is a Bible-thumping, hymn-singing, Jesus-loving, frequently-praying child of God. I FORGOT that she PRAYED for the "gay demons to release themselves" from my friend. Yes. Gay demons. And somehow, he is still a flaming homo who loves anal sex and rim jobs. Go figure.

I love, and hate, that quality in her. The religiosity, I mean. At that point, I don't know what I wanted to hear from her, but it definitely wasn't spiritual guidance. I was saddened, insulted, and embarrassed by her reply. I mean, is unorthodox sexuality such a far out "idea" that she won't even entertain the fact that it might be a reality for me? Hell, even my best friend suggested that it's just a phase.

Attraction isn't just about sex, though, is it? People don't commonly fall in love with a person's dick over their personality... Huh... Well, they do, but not in every case. It's their humor, their eyes, their calm nature, or another distinct and personal quality that (sometimes) attracts and person to a person. So, if that's true, why isn't it okay for me to be attracted to a WOMAN for those reasons? If she has every quality that I love, why should her genitalia change how I feel about her?

It shouldn't. Maybe I'm not confused... Maybe I'm finally figuring things out.

Janet!

2010-07-14T17:51:00.006-04:00

Janet Jackson, you are a dirty whore.

And I fucking LOVE it. This video makes me want to masturbate like a fiend. (Fun Fact: Her birthday is the day after mine)

I have my volume off, because the random "WHOO!" from the audience pisses me off, but the music isn't important. My favorite part is the very end, 3:25 to the end. ::totally wet panties::

Post Secret!

2010-07-11T06:13:00.003-04:00

Under Construction

2010-07-10T04:55:00.002-04:00

See the new template? Yeah... It's 4:55am and I thought "Hey! I haven't had a new template in a while. Maybe it's time for a change". For some reason, I'm totally in love with the pink and purple. I'm still tweaking some things (like trying to figure out how to change the description font), but I'm so tired. Odds are, I'll wake up in a few hours and realize that I've fucked my blog up and I'll revert back to the old template.

There's actually a 80% chance of that happening. Good night (morning).

My First Rabbit

2010-07-08T17:34:00.007-04:00

I got my very first rabbit vibrator. And I think it took my virginity (figuratively, anyway).

A good friend of mine bought it for me for my birthday. It was on back order, so I didn't get it until we came back from vacation.

Whenever I try a new toy, I masturbate with my fingers first, bringing myself to the brink of an orgasm, and then I switch the toy on and finish. That way, I'm going to come, regardless. If the toy sucks, I can quickly finish with my hands (or the trusty WD) with no frustration.

I've said before that I'm not too keen on penetration, but as I've gotten older, started trying new things (like dick sucking), and masturbating more often, it's really grown on me. Sometimes I even crave to have something inside of me. This toy satiates that craving with the quickness. Seriously.

So, I started masturbating and starting getting close to an orgasm, and I switched it on. Aesthetics aside (I mean, it's a gorgeous toy, if I do say so myself), this thing packs a fucking punch. For one, I don't know if my pussy is just tight, or if this thing is just huge, but it took some moderate (but oddly pleasurable) struggling to get it inside of me. It didn't dawn on me that my pussy juice may not suffice as adequate lube, but it was more of a "it hurts so good" thing. Anyway, once inserted, I played with the settings. One button controls the "whirring" motion of the head and the other controls the vibration of the rabbit... Which is actually somewhat of a butterfly-slug-thing. It even has a button to reverse the directions of the whirring and beads inside.

I love strong vibrations. VERY strong, actually (which is odd, because one tap on my clit makes me shudder). The toy could have stronger, but the combination of the penetration and vibration is sublime. I think I was using that thing for a total of five minutes before I had a lip-biting, back-arching, toe-curling orgasm. Holy fuck. I haven't had one of those in a while. It took a lot out of me. So much so that I know that I couldn't use it everyday. It's too much for me. It seriously depletes me of energy after I come. That, and my moaning would alert the parentals.

So, anyway, I go to the bathroom and look at the toilet paper and I notice a tiny smear of blood. No, no. I haven't started my period. It actually tore me. That fucking toy TORE my PUSSY.

And I loved every minute of it. Such a twisted little masochist I am.